Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 20, 2005 - April 26, 2005 | Issue 41•16

Fifth-Grade Science Paper Doesn't Stand Up To Peer Review

DECATUR, IL—A three-member panel of 10-year-old Michael Nogroski's fellow classmates at Nathaniel Macon Elementary School unanimously agreed Tuesday that his 327-word essay "Otters" did not meet...

Pope Emerges From Chrysalis A Beautiful Butterfly

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | News

VATICAN CITY—Vatican officials joyously report that Pope John Paul II, who led the Catholic Church during the 26 years of his larval stage, emerged... more»
Papal Election Brings End To Worldwide Unsupervised-Catholic Sin Binge

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | News

VATICAN CITY—In the interim between Pope John Paul II's death and the election of his replacement, unsupervised Catholics seized the opportunity to... more»
Police Sketch Artist Likes How Portrait Of Serial Rapist Turned Out

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | News

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Area police officer Lynn Marie Potter said Monday that she is "pretty proud of" her latest sketch, a drawing of an unidentified... more»
Losing-Powerball-Numbers Announcement Enters 17th Hour

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | News In Brief

URBANDALE, IA—The announcement of losing Powerball numbers for Saturday's $83,000,000 jackpot entered its 17th hour Sunday. "3, 15, 17, 35, 47, and... more»
Study: 80 Percent Of All Hermits Recovering From Broken Hearts

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | News In Brief

AMHERST, MA—According to conclusions reached by researchers at the University of Massachusetts, four-fifths of the world's dedicated recluse... more»
Another Comedian Ruined By Parenthood

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—Ed Corgi, once hailed as one of the area's funniest and most ribald stand-up comedians, has lapsed into mediocrity due to the 2003... more»
Sports Fan Thinks He May Have Torn Rotator Cuff

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | News In Brief

BOSTON—Although the most strenuous thing he does in any given week is reload his office printer's paper tray, Red Sox fan Sean Mooney, 41, said... more»
New Tech-Support Caste Arises In India

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | News In Brief

NEW DELHI—Thanks to widespread outsourcing of telephone-service jobs, a sixth caste has blossomed in India: the Khidakayas, a mid-level jati... more»
Office Manager Forced To Resort To Unfriendly Reminders

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | News In Photos
Dreamcatcher On Rearview Mirror Protects Sleeping Driver

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | News In Photos
Aw, Who'm I Kidding... I'll Never Top 21 Jump Street

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | Commentary

It's only natural for artists to compare the creative purity of their early work to the compromised work of their later careers. I'm no exception. As... more»
Sir Charles Barlow Is Interested Only In Your Dowry

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | Commentary

Lydia! Lydia! Pray forgive this unannounced visit to Twelveswood, but I felt you must know straight away. I cut short my stay in London to deliver... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 20, 2005

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | Horoscopes

When choosing a pet this week, make sure it's one your friends approve of, as it'll outlive you by at least a dozen years. more»
TV Shows On DVD

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | Infographic

People are increasingly buying television series on DVD instead of watching them on broadcast TV. Why? more»
Fondest U.S. Memories

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | Statshot
Are Tasers Safe?

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | What Do You Think?

Most security personnel defend the use of Tasers, but Amnesty International said that there have been more than 100 Taser-related deaths since 2001.... more»
A Pope Remembered

issue 4116 | 04.20.05 | Slideshow