Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

April 27, 2005 - May 3, 2005 | Issue 41•17

Area Man Well-Versed In First Thirds Of Great Literature

KANSAS CITY, MO—Malcolm Seward is a 38-year-old commercial kitchen designer, baseball fan, and avid supporter of public radio, but he said there's nothing he likes better than hunkering down in a comfortable chair, cracking open a brand-new...

Amazing New Hyperbolic Chamber Greatest Invention In The History Of Mankind Ever

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | News

OAK RIDGE, TN—After six grueling years of Herculean research, scientists at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory pronounced EHC-1 Alpha, the new... more»
Report: U.S. Foreign Policy Hurting American Students' Chances Of Getting Laid Abroad

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | News

AMSTERDAM—American students traveling abroad confirm the findings of a study indicating that Washington's unilateral approach to foreign policy has... more»
Family Feud Continues Years After Game-Show Appearance

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | News

POCATELLO, ID—More than two decades have passed since the Douglass family of Pocatello and the Bzymek family of Derby, NY faced off on the... more»
Bartender Hurt By Unfinished Drink

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | News In Brief

DENVER—Eddie Meagher, a bartender at Madhatter's Pub, reported that he was "deeply hurt" by an unfinished Long Island Ice Tea left behind by one... more»
Uneventful Past Finally Catches Up To Boring Man

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | News In Brief

MILTONVALE, KS—Years of safe living finally caught up to 33-year-old accountant Brian Jorgens Sunday during a visit from old friends. "I thought... more»
First Date In Six Months To Be Last Date In Six Years

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | News In Brief

ROSEBURG, OR—Although he is unaware of it, Jeff Schyler's date Friday will be his last until May 2011. "I'm so glad I finally got up the balls to... more»
Teen Reports Saturday Night Live Has Sucked Since Chris Kattan Left

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | News In Brief

AUGUSTA, GA—Once an avid fan of Saturday Night Live, Tom Simms, 16, said Monday that the live sketch-comedy institution began a downhill... more»
National Poetry Month Raises Awareness Of Poetry Prevention

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—This month marks the 10th National Poetry Month, a campaign created in 1996 to raise public awareness of the growing problem of poetry.... more»
Katie Couric Flirts With Cardinal On Air

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | News In Photos
Beaver Can't Wait To Get Started On Dam

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | News In Photos
Guess What—It's Tom DeLay's Frisbee Now

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | Commentary

Damn it! What did I tell you kids? more»
A Motivation Seminizar

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | Columnists

Tha Nite Rida cruised like a muhfukkin' barracuda into tha Midstate parkin' lot an' wit' typical mad stealth executed a perfect 90-degree turn into... more»
Horoscope for the week of April 27, 2005

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | Horoscopes

You really won't know what to think when God Himself appears to you and asks, rather shyly, if you think people would be okay with saying "God... more»
The New Lincoln Museum

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | Infographic

The high-tech Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum opened in Springfield, IL last week. What are some of its exhibits? more»
What's Going On 30,000 Feet Above Us?

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | Statshot
The New Food Pyramid

issue 4117 | 04.27.05 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the federal government released a new food pyramid, but many citizens say the nutrition guidelines are too complicated. What do you... more»