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May 4, 2005 - May 10, 2005 | Issue 41•18

U.S. Mint Gears Up To Issue Commemorative County Pennies

WASHINGTON, DC—Following the success of its 50 State Quarters program—deemed one of the most popular commemorative-coin programs in American history—the U.S. Mint announced its next ambitious project: releasing a unique penny for every...

Arizona Man Steals Bush's Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Confusion and disbelief reigned at the White House after President Bush announced Monday that an Arizona man, known to authorities... more»
Unspeakable Happens In Area Town

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | News

MURPHY, ID—Indescribable tragedy struck the quiet foothill town of Murphy Monday, leaving authorities and citizens dumbstruck by the nameless... more»
Actual Expert Too Boring For TV

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | News

SECAUCUS, NJ—Dr. Gary Canton, a professor of applied nuclear physics and energy-development technologies at MIT and a leading expert in American... more»
Rapidly Swelling Man May Contain Traces Of Peanuts

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | News In Brief

PENSACOLA, FL—Lance Kiser, the host at the Erewan Thai restaurant, informed fellow employees Monday that the bloated, choking man at table four may... more»
Drive-Time Commute Jam-Packed With Entertainment

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | News In Brief

CHANDLER, AZ—Phoenix-area resident Bruce Meske, 34, said he can't believe the amazing number of riveting, drive-time radio options available for... more»
Man With Dream To Open Liquor Store Achieves Dream

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | News In Brief

SOUTH BEND, IN—Dale Seebach, 32, who has dreamed of opening his own liquor store since childhood, saw his dream become a reality Monday. "I never... more»
Replacement Socialite Cunt Sought For Simple Life Cast

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Due to the falling out between Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, producers of Fox's The Simple Life are continuing their search for... more»
Report: U.S. Leads World In Lost Sunglasses

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a report by the Bureau of Accessory Statistics, each year the U.S. loses more pairs of sunglasses per person than... more»
Democratic Senator Strides Down Corridors Of Powerlessness

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | News In Photos
Bachelorette Party Saved By Actual Firemen

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | News In Photos
I Can't Stand It When Jews Talk During Movies

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | Commentary

Do you have a pet peeve—some little thing that drives you completely bonkers? For certain people, it's the sound of a Jewish person dragging her... more»
Ask A 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | Advice

Danny Geppert is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask A 7-Year-Old With A New Joke Book, appears in more than 250 papers... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 4, 2005

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | Horoscopes

You’re a true role model for young people, the way you’ve achieved financial success and remained active in your community while masturbating... more»
Improving Amtrak

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | Infographic

Following last week's announcement that an entire fleet of Acela trains will be taken out of service for repairs, Amtrak is looking for ways to... more»
Who Are We Giving Up For Dead?

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | Statshot
Women On The Front Line

issue 4118 | 05.04.05 | What Do You Think?

Women are barred from U.S. military jobs that would place them on the front line, but some say all troops in Iraq are exposed to ground combat. What... more»