Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 11, 2005 - May 17, 2005 | Issue 41•19

36-Year-Old Still Looking For Ways To Make Brushing Fun

SAN FRANCISCO—More than three decades after acquiring his first Pink Panther toothbrush, Mark Naasz continues to search unsuccessfully for new ways to make brushing his teeth fun, the 36-year-old Bernal Heights resident revealed...

Scientology Losing Ground To New Fictionology

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | News

LOS ANGELES—According to a report released Monday by the American Institute of Religions, the Church of Scientology, once one of the... more»
'Not Quite Perfect' McDonald's Opens In Illinois Outlet Mall

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | News

GURNEE, IL—For low, low prices, patrons are eager to give Six-Piece Quarter Pounders and Fish McGriddles a try. more»
Cupid Shooting Spree Leaves Dozens Infatuated

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | News

CHICAGO—As of press time, at least three Chicago-area couples are missing and presumed wed. more»
Upper-Middle-Class Man Vows To Never Forget Middle-Class Roots

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | News In Brief

ELMBROOK, WI—Although he earns a salary in the low six figures, 38-year-old investment banker David Monreal said he will always stay true to his... more»
Poster Vandal Enters 'Phallus In Mouth' Period

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | News In Brief

OAKLAND, CA—According to experts at the American Folk Art Museum, the billboard and subway-poster defacer known only as "Suck It" has entered... more»
Joy Sucked Out Of Room By Pumped-Up Manager

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Leo Burnett Advertising project manager Dirk Hazelton's show of enthusiasm drained the creative spirit from the conference room Monday.... more»
Fear Factor Creator's Will: 'Heirs Must Eat My Ashes To Collect Inheritance'

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—According to details of Fear Factor creator John de Mol's will released Monday, his heirs cannot collect their inheritance until... more»
Senators Lured Back To Emergency Session By Promise Of Free Pizza

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—U.S. senators from both parties, tired and eager to go home to their families after a hard day of legislation, were enticed back... more»
San Francisco Photographer Shits Out Another Bridge Photo

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | News In Photos
Usher To Put Shirt Back On When Usher Ready To Put Shirt Back On

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | News In Photos
No One Even Heard Of This Company Till I Dragged Us Into A Corporate Scandal

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | Commentary

Gentlemen, hello. Sorry I'm late. I had a hell of a time getting in the front door. Can you believe all those cameras? It's a zoo out there. You... more»
Is There New Love for Tom Cruise?

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | Columnists

Item! After I reported last time that Dawson's cutie Katie Holmes called it quits with her fiancé, I figured we wouldn't hear... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 11, 2005

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | Horoscopes

After a grueling three-year investigation, the National Transportation Safety Board will rule that a faulty steering valve in your tail section... more»
The New Iraqi Government

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | Infographic

The first democratic Iraqi government was recently sworn in. What's first on its agenda? more»
Top Broken Promises

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | Statshot
Texas-Cheerleader Crackdown

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the Texas House of Representatives approved a bill banning "overtly sexually suggestive" high-school cheerleading routines. What do... more»
Innovative Products

issue 4119 | 05.11.05 | Slideshow