Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 18, 2005 - May 24, 2005 | Issue 41•20

Principal Hates Underachievers, Overachievers

ST. CLOUD, MN—According to 58-year-old Charles Van Hise, principal of Harriet Bishop High School and a 26-year veteran of the St. Cloud School District, too much of his staff's time is devoted to "problem students" who require special...

Bush Challenges America To Produce The Perfect Romantic Comedy By 2009

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Making a bold statement of appeal to "the long-standing spirit of entrepreneurial enterprise in this great nation" Monday, President... more»
New, Delicious Species Discovered

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | News

MANAUS, BRAZIL—An international team of scientists conducting research in the Amazon River Basin announced the discovery of a formerly unknown... more»
God's Plan For Area Man Involves Kidnapping Ford CEO

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | News

MINOT, ND—Unemployed factory worker James Harold Gurshner told reporters Monday that God's plan for him, revealed during a moment of divine... more»
Local Man Pushed Well Within Limits Of Human Endurance

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | News In Brief

DURHAM, NC—In the face of reasonable odds, Louis Collins, 27, endured a challenge Monday that tested, but did not by any means exceed, his ability... more»
Area Dad Saw A Great Show On Bigfoot Last Night

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | News In Brief

LANCASTER, PA—Much to his family's indifference, 44-year-old father of two Bradley Kochner said he enjoyed an interesting show about Bigfoot on... more»
Author Dismayed By Amazon Customers' Other Purchases

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | News In Brief

MONTREAL—Yann Martel, author of the Booker Prize-winning Life Of Pi, said he was distraught to see what other books Amazon.com customers... more»
Paroled Prisoner Excited To Hear The '80s Are Back

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | News In Brief

BLYTHE, CA—Former Chuckawalla Valley State Prison inmate Jake Allen Dupree, 42, who completed a 20-year sentence for armed robbery last Friday,... more»
Jews, Muslims, Hindus Agree On Chicken

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | News In Brief

GENEVA—After years of sectarian violence, a coalition of Jews, Muslims, and Hindus signed an international resolution Monday, confirming their... more»
Millions Of Plants Sent From Nation's Garden Departments To Their Deaths

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | News In Photos
Ruptured Pudding Cup At Large In Area Backpack

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | News In Photos
A Gentleman Never Discloses Who Sucked Him Off

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | Commentary

I must say, the quality of discourse in this country has taken a sharp plunge of late, not only among the ruffians and ne'er-do-wells from whom one... more»
Yes, Sweetie, Mommy's Heard Of Gil Scott-Heron

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | Commentary

Hello, sweetie! I didn't expect you home so early. Here, hand me your backpack. Ooh, heavy! So, how was your week? Well, I'm glad. College is sure... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 18, 2005

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | Horoscopes

Not that anyone asked you, but if you were designing the world's biggest jetliner, you would've put some sort of flat surface under the passenger... more»
Celebrity Commencement Speeches

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | Infographic

A growing number of American colleges are enlisting celebrities to deliver speeches at their commencement ceremonies. What are some of this year's... more»
Popular New Cruise-Ship Destinations

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | Statshot
WTO May Accept Russia

issue 4120 | 05.18.05 | What Do You Think?

If negotiations go smoothly, Russia may be invited to join the World Trade Organization in 2006. What do you think? more»