Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

May 25, 2005 - May 31, 2005 | Issue 41•21

Having-One-Beer Plan Goes Awry

YPSILANTI, MI—Due to outside influence and unforeseen events, the having-one-beer plan that 29-year-old Keith Flemming devised at the outset of Monday evening went awry. "This is a one-beer night," Flemming to...

National Advertising Board Launches 'Advertising: Get The Message!' Campaign

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | News

NEW YORK—In an effort to raise the individual American's awareness of and interest in advertising, the National Advertising Board launched a... more»
Investigators Blame Stupidity In Area Death

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | News

WHEATLEY, AR—Police are fairly certain the deceased was operating under the influence of being an unbelievable dumbass. more»
Goth, Metalhead Overcome Subcultural Differences To Find Love

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | News

DANVILLE, IL—People fall in love every day, but self-proclaimed "Goth for life" Danielle Richardson, 24, and avid metal-music fan Rick Halloway,... more»
Former Addict Celebrates 10th Year Of Mind-Numbing Boredom

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | News In Brief

PHOENIX—Tom Stubbens, 44, a former heroin abuser, attended a party in his honor to celebrate a full decade of clean, sober, and dismally tedious... more»
Cocky Attempt To Operate ATM In Spanish Backfires

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | News In Brief

SAFFORD, AZ—During a Monday night stop at an automated-teller machine, an overconfident Scott Tifton failed to withdraw cash using the machine's... more»
Alternative Training School For Dogs De-Emphasizes Obedience

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | News In Brief

MONTEREY, CA—Dogs who attend the Kylee Alternative Training Institute are exposed to a "creative canine learning environment where less emphasis is... more»
Thousands Dead In Wake Of Low-Carbon Diet

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | News In Brief

FORT WALTON BEACH, FL—Doctors are linking nearly 9,000 deaths nationwide to the popular low-carbon diet outlined in the bestselling book, Dr.... more»
Palmolive Attacks Dawn For Coddling Grease

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Representatives for Palmolive dish detergent issued a challenge to the makers of Dawn Monday, charging that the blue dishwashing soap... more»
Bush Caught In One Of His Own Terror Traps

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | News In Photos
State Champs Erect Triumphal Arch

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | News In Photos
This Milk Is Expired When I Say It Is

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | Commentary

Hey, you haven't even touched your milk. What's the matter? Milk is an important part of a balanced diet, good for strong bones, healthy teeth,... more»
Snowball In Hell

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | Columnists

If you're considering starting your own business, keep a few things in mind. First, you can't call in sick, and you may have to work very long hours,... more»
Horoscope for the week of May 25, 2005

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | Horoscopes

Your lifelong love of all things zombie becomes a definite liability when former president Ronald Reagan mysteriously returns to life and is told... more»
Memorial Day

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | Infographic

May 30 is Memorial Day. How are Americans planning to celebrate the holiday this year? more»
What Are We Drawing Strength From?

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | Statshot
Congressional Filibusters

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | What Do You Think?

Some people view the filibuster as a vital democratic tool, but others see it as an unnecessary impediment to legislative progress. What do... more»
Scientific Breakthroughs

issue 4121 | 05.25.05 | Slideshow