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June 1, 2005 - June 7, 2005 | Issue 41•22

Date Disastrously Bypasses Physical Intimacy, Goes Straight To Emotional Intimacy

CHAPEL HILL, NC—An initially promising date between University of North Carolina seniors Mike Rafelson and Jill Zehme veered disastrously off course Monday night, when the two skipped directly to intense emotional bonding, tragically bypassing...

Pentagon Announces Plans To Close Camp Snoopy

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | News

BLOOMINGTON, MN—The Pentagon announced Monday that Camp Snoopy, the largest indoor family theme park in America, is one of 34 major bases scheduled... more»
Judge Hatchett Ruling Overturned By Judge Joe Brown

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | News

HOLLYWOOD—Nationally syndicated justice Judge Joe Brown reversed Judge Glenda Hatchett's ruling in the TV-court case Amanda Robinson v. Maria... more»
Local Self-Storage Facility A Museum Of Personal Failure

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | News

CHICAGO—Located in the Bucktown neighborhood, American Mini-Storage is one of Chicago's best-kept secrets, but don't expect it to stay that way for... more»
Description Of Hot-Dog Ingredients Fails To Ruin Picnic

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | News In Brief

EVERETT, WA—Try as he might, Matt Cottone was unable to spoil appetites at Jack Pierson's Memorial Day picnic. "The absolute worst meat goes into... more»
Local Pet Store Sells Living Things To Just Anyone Off The Street

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | News In Brief

BALTIMORE—The Fur, Fin, and Feather pet store is willing to sell live animals to just about anyone, local investigating police officer Tom Olansky... more»
Area Man Looking For Whatever The Hell Is Beeping

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | News In Brief

DELMAR, NY—Craig Mitich, 27, has spent 20 minutes searching his apartment for whatever the hell is emitting a high-pitched beep every few minutes.... more»
U.S. Intensifies Empty-Threat Campaign Against North Korea

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—During a recent press conference, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice issued another warning to North Korea, escalating the U.S.... more»
Entire Napoleon Dynamite Plot Pieced Together Through Friends' Quotes

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—Although he has never seen the 2004 indie hit Napoleon Dynamite, Michael Osman, 23, has cobbled together its entire plot via... more»
Atari Releases Updated Adventure Video Game

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | News In Photos
CEO Sad Nobody Noticed New Tie

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | News In Photos
If It's Any Consolation, Your Daughter Probably Died Almost Immediately Of Sheer Terror

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | Commentary

Mr. and Mrs. Frauenfelder? Yes, hello. Thank you for coming down today. I'm Detective Cosloy, one of the eight men here in Tulsa who found the body.... more»
This Script Practically Writes, Directs, And Universally Pans Itself

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | Commentary

Find yourself a chair, guys, 'cause I've got exactly what we've been looking for: an idea so formulaic, any screenwriting hack could knock it out... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 1, 2005

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | Horoscopes

Your friends will soon hold an intervention to take away your barge pole, wide-brimmed white straw hat, and Chianti bottle in an effort to stop your... more»
Green Products

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | Infographic

More people are purchasing eco-friendly items to conserve energy and help save the environment. What are some of the most popular "green products"? more»
Top Luxury-Resort Activities

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | Statshot
The Stem-Cell Bill

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | What Do You Think?

The House recently passed a bill lifting restrictions on stem-cell research, but Bush has threatened to veto the bill if it passes the Senate. What... more»
Hosting A Barbecue

issue 4122 | 06.01.05 | Tips

Summer is a great time to get outside and grill a delicious meal. Here are a few basic safety rules and outdoor-cooking tips to help make sure you... more»