Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 15, 2005 - June 21, 2005 | Issue 41•24

Everything That Can Go Wrong Listed

FULLERTON, CA—A worldwide consortium of scientists, mathematicians, and philosophers is nearing the completion of the ambitious, decade-long project of cataloging everything that can go wrong, project leader Dr. Thomas R. Kress announced at a press conference Tuesday. "We are mere weeks from finishing one of the most thorough and provocative scientific surveys...

Habitrail For Humanity Under Fire

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | News

PAYNEVILLE, KY—Habitrail For Humanity, the faith-based, non-profit group that builds networks of affordable, transparent-tube housing for needy... more»
Chinese Factory Worker Can't Believe The Shit He Makes For Americans

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | News

FENGHUA, CHINA—Chen Hsien, an employee of Fenghua Ningbo Plastic Works Ltd., a plastics factory that manufactures lightweight household items for... more»
Politician Awkwardly Works The Bathroom

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | News

BATTLE CREEK, MI—In what had originally been intended as a brisk, businesslike trip to the urinal, Calhoun County executive hopeful Phil Hecht... more»
Area Man Tired Of Making Excuses For Rapist Friend

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | News In Brief

OGALLALA, NE—After nearly a decade of friendship, Jake Fitzwater said Monday that he is getting sick of standing up for his buddy Raymond Bauer's... more»
All Of Math Teacher's Examples Involve Moon Pies

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | News In Brief

BAY CITY, MI—According to sources at Bay City Middle School, all of 51-year-old math teacher Lance Stonitch's in-class examples express numbers in... more»
Portugal Finally Gets It Together

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | News In Brief

LISBON, PORTUGAL—To the relief of surrounding countries, Portugal seems to have finally gotten its ducks in a row, sources reported Monday.... more»
Coke Party Takes A Couple Minutes To Get Going

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | News In Brief

POMPANO BEACH, FL—According to partygoers, an impromptu cocaine bash on North Ocean Boulevard took three to four minutes to really get hopping... more»
Bush Fishing For Compliments During Press Conference

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—During a Monday press conference, President Bush repeatedly interrupted the question-and-answer period to seek out praise from the... more»
Enchanted By Own Innocence, Michael Jackson Molests Self

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | News In Photos
New Lawn-Care Product Makes Neighbor's Lawn Less Green

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | News In Photos
Secret Service Not Sure If That Suit Of Armor Was In Oval Office Yesterday

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | News In Photos
I Wish Someone Would Do Something About How Fat I Am

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | Commentary

Let me level with you. I'm fat. Not heavyset, but F-A-T, fat. I'm not saying this because I'm proud. It takes a lot of courage to admit it, but I... more»
Did I Say That, Or Did John Updike?

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | Commentary

I'm glad we finally got this out in the open. I mean, "That a marriage ends is less than ideal, but all things end under heaven," right? I believe... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 15, 2005

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | Horoscopes

You and your entire family will be granted the power of flight by conniving sky-gods who merely want to create additional safety problems for the... more»
GM's Rising Costs

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | Infographic

General Moters announced that it intends to cut 25,000 jobs in the coming years, explaining that it is losing money on every vehicle that it sells in... more»
Top Cassette Tapes Stuck In Car Stereos

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | Statshot
Medical Marijuana

issue 4124 | 06.15.05 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the Supreme Court upheld the federal government's right to ban marijuana use, even in states that allow it for medical reasons. What do... more»