Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

June 29, 2005 - July 5, 2005 | Issue 41•26

New Dad Thinks Baby Might Be Gay

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Citing "something vaguely effeminate" about his eight-month-old son Michael, first-time father Joe Oebrick, 32, reported Tuesday that he suspects the infant may be a...

Vatican Tightens Nocturnal Emissions Standards

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | News

VATICAN CITY—The Vatican has released a strict new set of Church laws intended to reduce the nocturnal emissions of teenage polluters by 50 percent... more»
New Us Quarterly To Explore Celebrity Issues In More Depth

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | News

NEW YORK—Describing it as a "discerning and literary companion" to their flagship entertainment-news magazine, Us Weekly editor-in-chief... more»
Food-Court Taco Bell Not As Good, Area Man Reports

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | News

ERIE, PA—Fast-food consumer Don Turnbee announced Monday that the Taco Bell in the Millcreek Mall food court is "not as good" as regular,... more»
Fellow Cheerleaders Rally Cheer Of Support For Recently Raped Teammate

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | News In Brief

BLOOMINGTON, IN—The Bloomington East Hawks varsity cheerleaders organized a pep rally after school Monday, in honor of a squad member who was... more»
Block Of Commercials Charts The Who's Career Arc

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—According to TV viewer Maurice Degroot, every phase of rock band The Who's career was traced by a single CBS commercial break Tuesday.... more»
Dead iPod Remembered As Expensive

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | News In Brief

VENTURA, CA—A third-generation, 30-GB iPod, serial number AP356372, died early Monday morning at age 2. "I'll never forget all the great music... more»
Fifth Baby Barely Showered

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | News In Brief

ALCOVA, WY—Attendees at the weekend shower for Peggy Walgraeve's fifth child agreed that the event paled when compared to the showers thrown for... more»
Man Cites Nature As Inspiration For Random Cruelty

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | News In Brief

GAINESVILLE, FL—Local resident Stephen Nicolai, 34, said Monday that the harsh realities of the natural world are what inspire him to commit... more»
Rookie NASCAR Driver Gets Lost

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | News In Photos
MedicAlert Bracelet Iced Out

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | News In Photos
I Must Regretfully Decline Your Invitation To Appear In Court On July 28

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | Commentary

Dear Office of the Clerk, more»
I'm In The Throes Of Summer Movie Madness!

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | Columnists

Item! Summer movie season is here, so forward my mail to my local theater, because I'm going to be losing myself in air-conditioned Hollywood... more»
Horoscope for the week of June 29, 2005

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | Horoscopes

You will be awoken nightly between 2 and 4 a.m., by a friend who used to be cool but now just wants to talk about how 'Til Tuesday was an underrated... more»
Alternative Summer Camps

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | Infographic

Parents and their children have an increasing variety of specialized summer camps to choose from. What are some of the most popular ones? more»
Lesser-Known Presidential Nicknames

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | Statshot
Bolton's UN Nomination

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | What Do You Think?

The Senate continues to debate John Bolton's nomination for UN ambassador, with Bush threatening to appoint him in spite of their concerns. What do... more»
Celebrity Focus

issue 4126 | 06.29.05 | Slideshow