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July 6, 2005 - July 12, 2005 | Issue 41•27

Customer's Attempt To Complain To Manager Thwarted By Employee

ELGIN, IL—A customer's repeated attempts to complain to the store manager about Mama Z's Pizza employee Matt Wheaton were successfully thwarted by Wheaton, restaurant sources confirmed Monday. "At about 10 p.m., this guy calls up bitching about how he got sausage on the pizza we deli...

Hamster Thrown From Remote-Control Monster Truck

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | News

MILTON, MA—Tragedy was narrowly averted in the Bourke household Monday, when Harry, the family's pet hamster, was violently thrown from the 4" by... more»
Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil's Minor Works

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—According to Bush, much pleasure is to be found in Virgil's lesser-known The Eclogues and The Georgics. more»
Housewife Charged In Sex-For-Security Scam

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | News

AKRON, OH—Area resident Helen Crandall, 44, was arrested by Akron police Sunday, charged with conducting an elaborate "sex for security" scam in... more»
'Midwest' Discovered Between East And West Coasts

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | News

NEW YORK—A U.S. Geological Survey expeditionary force announced Tuesday that it has discovered a previously unknown and unexplored land mass... more»
All Y'All Urged To Go Fuck Yo' Selves

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | News In Brief

DETROIT—In a strongly worded pronouncement to all y'all motherfuckers, Detroit resident Dwayne Combs urged all y'all to go fuck yo' selves... more»
Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | News In Brief

GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now... more»
Magic-Markered Initials Fail To Deter Breakroom Rice-Cake Thief

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | News In Brief

FRESNO, CA—Despite clearly marking her initials on her rice-cake bag in black Magic Marker, secretary Elaine Fahey was once again the victim of I&G... more»
Greenpeace Decides Northern Spotted Owl 'Not Worth The Trouble Anymore'

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | News In Brief

AMSTERDAM—Citing "organization-wide disinterest in a truly mundane species of bird," Greenpeace announced Monday that it is ending its decades-long... more»
National Filmstrip Board Calls For Quiet

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Insisting that "this is important, people," the National Filmstrip Board called for quiet Monday, urging U.S. citizens to observe... more»
Mason-Dixon Line Renamed IHOP-Waffle House Line

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | News In Photos
That Same Guy With The Glasses At Every Rock Show

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | News In Photos
Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | Commentary

Look, I'm not a hateful person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I've been having a real problem with these... more»
My God, What Passes For Crunch-tastic These Days

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | Commentary

Boy... I just wish there were a stronger word than "appalled." more»
Horoscope for the week of July 6, 2005

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | Horoscopes

When choosing a pet this week, make sure it's one your friends approve of, as it'll outlive you by at least a dozen years. more»
New York City's Olympic Bid

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | Infographic

New York is in the running to host the 2012 Summer Games. Among the NYC 2012 organizing committee's selling points: more»
Top Sitcom Premises By Number Of Repetitions

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | Statshot
The Social Security Time Bomb

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | What Do You Think?

Experts continue to urge Congress to cut the growth of Social Security, warning that the nation faces unsustainable deficits if action isn't taken.... more»
Lawn-And-Garden Tips

issue 4127 | 07.06.05 | Tips

For homeowners, few things are more satisfying than a beautiful lawn and garden. Here are some tips to help you improve yours: more»