Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 13, 2005 - July 19, 2005 | Issue 41•28

Area Tank Top Strained Nearly To Breaking Point

SMYRNA, GA—A Smyrna-area tank top is under fire from local menswear advocates, who say the garment is so severely strained that it is in imminent danger of succumbing to explosive and potentially dangerous fabric-degradation-related rupture. According to Municipal Sleeveless-Clothing Subcommittee co-chair Edwin Thurley, the tank top, a 1981 horizontally striped, blue-and-white "Kmart Casual" featuring a vest pocket and dual poly/cotton blend, was not designed to withstan...

Nation's Shirtless, Shoeless March On Washington For Equal-Service Rights

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Protesting years of discriminatory treatment at the hands of America's restaurants and stores, an estimated 800,000 shirtless and... more»
E! Gives Local Masturbator Inside Scoop On This Summer's Hottest New Swimwear

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | News

CLARKSVILLE, IN—Without E!, masturbator Gregg Reinisch would not know what suits to look out for on the beaches of St. Tropez. more»
Small Town's 'Cryptosporidium Daze' Fails To Attract Visitors

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | News

BLAKELY, GA—Blakely civic leaders were baffled last weekend as Cryptosporidium Daze, their elaborately planned summer festival celebrating the... more»
Yacht Club Regatta Marred By Tragic Undergrilling Of Mahi Mahi

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | News

NEWPORT, RI—Eighteen people were disappointed and six left badly unsatiated Saturday when guests at the Newport Yacht Club's annual Harborside... more»
Kleenex Box Inadequately Covered

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | News In Brief

EMPORIA, KS—Area widow Gwen Reid is said to be "crocheting frantically" following Tuesday's discovery of an uncovered Kleenex facial-tissue box... more»
Area Man Killed In Committee

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—K&L Advertising executive Nathan Lohaus was killed in committee Monday, his life voted down by an 11-3 margin at the 2 p.m.... more»
Shape Magazine Declares July 'Let Yourself Go' Month

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | News In Brief

WOODLAND HILLS, CA—Shape, the women's fitness magazine, has officially declared July "Let Yourself Go" Month. "You've toned those abs and... more»
Lone Man With Six-Pack 'Partying'

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | News In Brief

TUCSON, AZ—A party is reportedly underway at 2614 Arcadia Ave., where homeowner Glen Schlatter and no one else is enjoying a six-pack of Olympia... more»
Rotating Knife Vortex Closed Pending Safety Investigation

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | News In Brief

NORFOLK, VA—By the order of the Virginia Safety Commission, the Norfolk Rotating Vortex Of Sharp Knives public-works project was temporarily closed... more»
Water Pistol Fired Using Sideways Gangsta Grip

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | News In Photos
Suburban Family Invests Hopes, Dreams In Gas Grill

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | News In Photos
If The Heat Doesn't Kill The Elderly, I Will

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | Commentary

It is now high summer, and the sun is broiling the American Southwest, sending temperatures soaring upwards of 110 degrees. The heat has struck... more»
Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess vs. Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | Point-Counterpoint

Help! Sandal season is here, and my feet are a complete mess! I've got rough heels, ugly calluses, and ragged cuticles. Winter weather really did... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 13, 2005

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | Horoscopes

While on a pilgrimage, you and two dozen other travelers will stop for the night at a roadside inn, where you'll all agree to pass the time by... more»
Internet Social Networks

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | Infographic

Friend-matching web sites like Friendster.com are gaining in popularity. What's the appeal? more»
What Books Aren't We Reading This Summer?

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | Statshot
National Parks Under Siege

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | What Do You Think?

Attendance at America's national parks has quadrupled in the past 30 years, spawning pollution and traffic problems. What do you think? more»
Sun Safety Tips

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | Tips

When summer rolls around, everybody wants that perfect tan—but it's important to play it smart. Here are some tips for safe, sensible tanning: more»
Summertime

issue 4128 | 07.13.05 | Slideshow