Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

July 20, 2005 - July 26, 2005 | Issue 41•29

Stay Of Execution Squandered Again

FLORENCE, AZ—James "Jimbo" Creasey, 38, a death-row inmate at Arizona State Prison Complex-Florence, said Monday that he "feels pretty lousy" about wasting his most recent stay of execution, granted April 12. "It kinda sucks," said Creasey, who was sentenced to death in 1995 for the murders of three Arizona State sorority girls. "When the word came down that my execution had been postponed, it seemed like ...

New Puppy Teaches Congress Important Lesson About Responsibility

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Beltway insiders report that Buster, the 7-month-old yellow Labrador Congress was allowed to keep amid much controversy last spring,... more»
Local Company Moves Production Underseas

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | News

NEWARK, NJ—In an effort to revitalize the company after years of stagnant profits, BakeCo Inc., makers of Good Twist Pretzels and Fluffy Brand... more»
Alcoholic-Beverage-Consumer Confidence Skyrockets

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | News

NEW YORK—Alcoholic-beverage-consumer confidence hit a record high Friday between the hours of 5 p.m. and 3 a.m., briefly reaching 105.3 points... more»
Anonymous Source: 'I'm A Cowardly Snitch'

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—An unidentified lawyer and lobbyist revealed Monday that a "sniveling yellow streak" led him to anonymously divulge U.S. State Department... more»
Parasites Just Getting The Hang Of How Host Does Things

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | News In Brief

MACON, GA—Tapeworms recently introduced into Susan Rabidovitch's digestive tract will need time to get acclimated to their new environment,... more»
Man Who Lost Leg To Whale Decides To Let It Go

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | News In Brief

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Sources close to 58-year-old Samuel Rahal, a commercial fishing-boat captain who lost his right leg in a great-white-whale attack... more»
Fetish Only Realized After Watching Wife Drown

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | News In Brief

MEMPHIS, TN—Recent widower Jeff Dunning, 33, said Monday he experienced a "profound personal awakening" after watching his wife Claudia... more»
Marine Corps Shortens Slogan To 'The Few'

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In light of recruiting shortfalls, a near standstill in re-enlistment, and rock-bottom troop morale, U.S. Marine Corps Commandant... more»
Which Jackson Will Dominate Next Year's Headlines?

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | News In Photos
Terri Schiavo's Corpse Blown Away By Hurricane

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | News In Photos
I'm A Fucked-Up-Chick Magnet

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | Commentary

Hey, I don't want to brag, but when you got it, you got it. And when it comes to picking up women with severe personality disorders, I've got it.... more»
Never In My Wildest Dreams Did I Think I'd Get Bored Watching Robots Fight

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | Commentary

Who doesn't love robots? They're scary, they're powerful, and they're intelligent. They're frickin' cool, is the long and short of it. And robots... more»
Horoscope for the week of July 20, 2005

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | Horoscopes

You'll be honored, after a fashion, when the mayor of New York secretly awards you the key to the city of Boston and asks you to "leave no stone atop... more»
Space Shuttle Delay

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | Infographic

Last week, the scheduled launch of the space shuttle Discovery was aborted two hours before liftoff. What caused the delay? more»
Most Popular Road Signs By State

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | Statshot
Hospital Infections

issue 4129 | 07.20.05 | What Do You Think?

According to a Pennsylvania study released last week, nearly 12,000 people contracted infections during hospital stays last year. What do you... more»