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August 3, 2005 - August 9, 2005 | Issue 41•31

First-Time Novelist Constantly Asking Wife What It's Like To Be A Woman

SAN JOSE, CA—Claims adjuster and novice author John Kitner is "constantly" asking what it's like to be a woman, reports his wife Becky. "It never lets up," Becky said. "Today he asked, 'If a woman wer...

Report: Our High Schools May Not Adequately Prepare Dropouts For Unemployment

issue 4131 | 08.03.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—A Department of Labor report released Monday finds that America's high schools are not sufficiently preparing emerging... more»
White House Denies Existence Of Karl Rove

issue 4131 | 08.03.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The White House denied rumors of wrongdoing by anyone named Karl Rove Monday, saying the alleged deputy chief of staff does... more»
Suicide Bomber Killed En Route By Car Bomb

issue 4131 | 08.03.05 | News

BAGHDAD—Terrorist cells in Baghdad are in mourning for suicide bomber Ahmed al-Khalaf, 19, who was killed by a car bomb Monday, 200 yards from an... more»
Missing Boy Scout Earns Publicity Badge

issue 4131 | 08.03.05 | News In Brief

KAMAS, UT—Boy Scout Brennan Hawkins, 11, who received national media coverage after he wandered off during his troop's June camping trip in the... more»
Frances Bean Cobain Enters Prehab

issue 4131 | 08.03.05 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Frances Bean Cobain, the 12-year-old daughter of serial substance abuser Courtney Love and deceased rock legend Kurt Cobain, entered... more»
Maximum Age For Strollers Raised To 8

issue 4131 | 08.03.05 | News In Brief

PARK SLOPE, BROOKLYN—Due to "increased self-indulgence among both children and parents," the Contemporary American Parenting Council announced... more»
Bush Acquired By Martian Zoo

issue 4131 | 08.03.05 | News In Brief

OLYMPUS MONS—President Bush, who in 2004 announced his desire for a manned mission to Mars, was acquired by a prominent Martian zoo Monday. "The... more»
Red Cross Accused Of Wartime Non-Profiteering

issue 4131 | 08.03.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—The Senate Armed Services Committee issued a rebuke of the International Red Cross Monday, accusing the organization of wartime... more»
Dukes Of Hazzard Sharply Declines In Kitsch Value

issue 4131 | 08.11.05 | News In Photos

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Loser Hiding Behind Winning Smile

issue 4131 | 08.03.05 | News In Photos
Our Global Food-Service Enterprise Is Totally Down For Your Awesome Subculture

issue 4131 | 08.03.05 | Commentary

What's hanging, teenage homies? I'm Ralph Lucci—Radical Ralph—coming to rap at you on your terms and on your turf about the things you care... more»
Agent 44 Always Gets To Choose The Rendezvous Point

issue 4131 | 08.03.05 | Commentary

I don't want to be a baby, but last week, we were en route to a site—can't go into detail, but it was strictly an information-gathering,... more»
Your Horoscope - August 3, 2005

issue 4131 | 08.03.05 | Horoscopes
Anti-Terrorism Measures

issue 4131 | 08.03.05 | Infographic

In the wake of the London bombings, what are American cities doing to protect their citizens from terrorist attacks? more»
What Are We Fixing In Post-Production

issue 4131 | 08.13.05 | Statshot
AFL-CIO Split

issue 4131 | 08.03.05 | What Do You Think?

Last week, both the Teamsters and the SEIU bolted from the AFL-CIO, a bad sign for American organized labor. What do you think? more»