Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

August 10, 2005 - August 16, 2005 | Issue 41•32

Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway'

KENOSHA, WI—Sources report that longtime married couple Duane and Edna Schumacher's weekend stay at Chicago's FantasyLand Suites was a grueling ordeal of unwelcome interruptions to their...

Bush Vows To Eliminate U.S. Dependence On Oil By 4920

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush unveiled an aggressive initiative Monday that would make the U.S. free of petroleum dependence by the year 4920, less... more»
Police Search Of Backpack Yields Explosive Bestseller

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | News

NEW YORK—Officers from the New York City Police Department evacuated the Union Square subway station and suspended all train service Monday after a... more»
Vehement Anti-Cell-Phone Guy Finally Caves

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | News

ANN ARBOR, MI—After calling the device "the item single-handedly responsible for the erosion of our nation's social and cultural foundation" for... more»
Al-Qaeda Sitcom Filmed Before Live Studio Hostages

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | News In Brief

AL BHURBAN'Q, AFGHANISTAN—Filming of the second season of al-Qaeda's surprise hit situation comedy Ba'athtime For Abdul will take place... more»
Podcast A Cry For Help

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | News In Brief

BOZEMAN, MT—The few people close to Mitch Delomme say that he doesn't realize the implications of his new podcast, an agonizingly personal... more»
Joe Wilson Getting Bored With No-Longer-Covert Wife

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Former ambassador Joe Wilson reports that he is "becoming disenchanted" with CIA agent Valerie Plame, since her identity was... more»
Entertainment-History Buffs Re-Enact Battle Of The Network Stars

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | News In Brief

SAN BERNADINO, CA—Entertainment historians from across the country gathered Sunday on a field near Hollywood to recreate the original 1976 Battle... more»
'Humor In Uniform' Submissions At All-Time Low

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | News In Brief

PLEASANTVILLE, NY—Reader's Digest editors reported Monday that submissions to their "Humor In Uniform" feature have fallen off sharply... more»
New Distressed Jeans Feature Broken-In Cameltoe

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | News In Photos

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Disgruntled Bolton Shoots 17 UN Delegates, Self

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | News In Photos
Why Somebody Always Around Every Time I Drop My Baby?

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | Commentary

If people wanna think I'm, like, abusive or whatever, that's their problem. 'Cause I know I'm a good mom, and that's all that matters. But damn, yo,... more»
If Only I Could Find A Lizard Offering A Low Car-Insurance Rate

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | Commentary

I'm an experienced car owner. As such, I have what I consider an above-average knowledge of what constitutes a competitive rate for automotive... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 10, 2005

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | Horoscopes

You always say The Man is holding you down, but you never mention the intense sexual rush it gives you. more»
CAFTA Provisions

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | Infographic

President Bush recently signed the Central American Free Trade Agreement. What are some of the provisions? more»
What Are We Projecting Onto Others?

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | Statshot
Dog Cloning

issue 4132 | 08.10.05 | What Do You Think?

Last week, the South Koreans became the first to clone a dog, reigniting a longstanding ethical debate. What do you think? more»