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August 17, 2005 - August 23, 2005 | Issue 41•33

Iraqi Cop Moonlighting As Terrorist Just To Make Ends Meet

BAGHDAD—When the hot evening sun sets over Baghdad, Sulieman Hassim does not go home to his wife and family. For this Iraqi, the work day has only just begun. ..

Rumsfeld Makes Surprise Visit To Wife's Vagina

issue 4133 | 08.17.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid rumors of sagging morale on the home front, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld greeted his wife Joyce Monday with an... more»
U.S. Intelligence: Nukehavistan May Have Nuclear Weapons

issue 4133 | 08.17.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—A DIA report suggests there is “a possibility” that former Soviet republic Nukehavistan is manufacturing nuclear weapons. more»
Evangelical Scientists Refute Gravity With New 'Intelligent Falling' Theory

issue 4133 | 08.17.05 | News

TOPEKA, KS—Evangelical physicists are now asserting that objects fall because a higher power is pushing them down. more»
County Fair Judges Blown Away By Heifer

issue 4133 | 08.17.05 | News In Brief

ELLENDALE, ND—Dickey County Fair livestock judge Bernard Hodelnutt called a heifer named Bessany "the sort of near-divine creation that inspired... more»
Angelina Jolie Coming For Your Baby

issue 4133 | 08.17.05 | News In Brief

MALIBU, CA—Angelina Jolie has filed for adoption of your newborn baby, sources close to the actress reported Tuesday. "Angelina loves your baby,... more»
Calcutta Fire Marshal: Many Indian Homes Lack Bride Extinguisher

issue 4133 | 08.17.05 | News In Brief

CALCUTTA, INDIA—Failure to own or use a bride extinguisher results in millions of rupees of property damage in India annually, Calcutta fire... more»
New Pepsi Negative-220 Burns Twice The Calories It Contains

issue 4133 | 08.17.05 | News In Brief

PURCHASE, NY—Joining a field already crowded with such non-caloric beverages as Coke Steam and Hollo Yello, PepsiCo announced the creation Monday... more»
Po' Boy $12

issue 4133 | 08.17.05 | News In Photos
Dog Befriends Roomba

issue 4133 | 08.17.05 | News In Photos
They Called Me Crazy When I Switched Shampoos, But Who's Crazy Now?

issue 4133 | 08.17.05 | Commentary

Pity those poor mortals milling about at the drugstore. I once numbered among them, braying and milling like sheep in limp-haired herds. more»
What Has Our Society Come To When March Of The Penguins Is The Blockbuster Hit Of The Summer?

issue 4133 | 08.17.05 | Commentary

I've been a major Hollywood director for a long time, and I thought I'd seen it all. But I can't help wondering what's happening to the entertainment... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 17, 2005

issue 4133 | 08.17.05 | Horoscopes

You will soon have a romantic encounter with a dark stranger... By dark, the zodiac means "enigmatic and mysterious"—not that the stranger is... more»
Biofuels

issue 4133 | 08.17.05 | Infographic

With oil prices reaching an all-time high, scientists are looking for alternative fuel sources. What are they currently researching? more»
Top Online Petitions

issue 4133 | 08.17.05 | Statshot
Jackson Jurors

issue 4133 | 08.17.05 | What Do You Think?

Two jurors in the Michael Jackson molestation trial said they regret acquitting Jackson, and both now have pending book deals. What do you... more»