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August 24, 2005 - August 30, 2005 | Issue 41•34

City Councilman Unearths Magical Zoning Amulet

ROCHESTER, NY—After years spent poring over mysterious and arcane plat sheets and deciphering long-forgotten building codes, city councilmember Mike LaMere unearthed the mysterious City Zoning Amulet Friday. ..

New Strain Of Jet Lag Devastates Airline Industry

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | News

ATLANTA—The embattled airline industry is in the midst of a new crisis: a powerful strain of jet lag resistant to regular remedies like catnaps. more»
U.S. Blowjobless Rate At All-Time High

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—After a recent drop in the sexual-interest rate, blowjoblessness in America has reached a record high. more»
Dave Matthews Not That Into Himself Anymore

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | News

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Dave Matthews, formerly a hardcore Dave Matthews fan, said his music just doesn’t speak to him anymore. more»
Bush Calls For Rock Revolution In Weekly Pirate-Radio Address

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush called for an end to corporate rock, "wuss-metal," and sellout-punk in his weekly pirate-radio address Saturday,... more»
German Luftwaffle Chain Offers Waffles, Overwhelming Air Superiority

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | News In Brief

MUNICH—An elite force of three dozen 24-hour Luftwaffle restaurants were unveiled across Germany Monday, with free waffles for blond-haired,... more»
Missing Park Ranger Found In Better-Paying Job

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | News In Brief

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Forest Service ranger Lawrence Anderson, missing from his fire-warning post in the Coconino National Forest since mid-July, was found... more»
Entertainment Lawyer 'Fighting The Good Fight'

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Although he works long hours for less than seven figures a year, entertainment lawyer Jude Mortison said knowing that he is "one of the... more»
Iraq Declares Partial Law

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | News In Brief

BAGHDAD—Citing the chaotic state of his occupied nation, president Jalal Talabani declared a state of partial law in Iraq Monday. "We must... more»
New Planet Discovered 400 Light Years Away From Public's Interest

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | News In Photos

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Perfect Gift For Boring Asshole Found At Crate & Barrel

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | News In Photos

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Shakespeare Was, Like, The Ultimate Rapper

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | Commentary

As an English teacher, I have to make The Bard resonate with today's youth. I get the same questions every year: "Shakespeare? What does this dead... more»
Man, The Terrorists Win At Everything

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | Commentary

Man, it seems like the harder we fight, the worse things turn out for us, and the better they turn out for the terrorists. They've really played... more»
Horoscope for the week of August 24, 2005

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | Horoscopes

You're normally the type of rational, level-headed person who doesn't believe in magic, but you have no other explanation for all the rabbits and... more»
Leaving Hollywood

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | Infographic

Lured away by tax breaks and other incentives, many producers have been shooting films outside of Hollywood. What do these alternate locations have... more»
Top Causes Of U.S. Military Fatalities In Iraq

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | Statshot
Gaza Pullout

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | What Do You Think?

In an effort to reinvigorate the Middle East peace process, Israel fulfilled its pledge and withdrew from the Gaza Strip. What do you think? more»
August 23, 1927

issue 4134 | 08.24.05 | Onion In History

Sacco, Vanzetti Executed For Murder, Italian Descent more»