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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Virgo: Despite your claims of historical importance and the need to remember America's fallen heroes, the authorities continue to refuse to grant you the permits required by your avid group of drug-war re-enactors.

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Updates: Tuesday 9/06/05

American Voices

Death Of The Chief Justice

Old Man
My heart would go out to his family and friends if it weren't already out to 100,000 Southerners.


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9/06/05 7:26 AM

Onion Radio News

Cancer Victim Given Second Chance At Death

 

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9/06/05 12:15 PM

Onion Magazine

Failing: Is This <i>Your</i> Year?

9/09/05 7:26 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • REDMOND, OR—Well-intentioned 7-year-old Lisa Freund started a charity lemonade stand for victims of Hurricane Katrina today, but gave it up after she was told by reporters that the tragedy's magnitude is such that her efforts wouldn't make a difference.
  • DANBURY, CT—Morbidly obese Siamese twins Bill and Harry Schemke, who recently underwent complicated and protracted surgical separation procedures, finally left the hospital Monday to return home and watch TV from opposite ends of the couch.
  • DELBARTON, WV—A reported bear sighting in the area did nothing to convince residents of this small West Virginia town that there are such things as bears.
9/13/05 8:16 AM

Stock Watch

BHVMT - Bangor Heavy Metals, LLC

Although this Maine-based firm is normally a slow gainer content to earn dividends off existing long-term contracts, Bangor Heavy Metals was a natural "buy" when traders blasted Black Sabbath’s "Iron Man" across the trading floor.

9/08/05 10:17 AM

This Day In History

McKinley Attacked By Wild Boar

September 7, 1901

McKinley Attacked By Wild Boar

9/07/05 9:35 AM
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