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September 7, 2005 - September 13, 2005 | Issue 41•36

Food Critic Tears Radish Canapés With Salmon Mousse A New Asshole

MANCHESTER, NH—An appetizer of radish canapés with salmon mousse served at local French restaurant La Maison de Vin was torn a new asshole this week, according to Concord Monitor food critic Bernard Haberle, who reviewed the establishment in his "Good Eating" column. "I ripped those canapés a hole so wide they'll be shitting blood for days," said Haberle, who singled out the dish in his review, calling it "a misguided fus...

God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | News

Officials Uncertain Whether To Save Or Shoot Victims Nation's Politicians Applaud Great Job They're... more»
Cheney Dropped By White House HMO

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing pre-existing conditions, Dick Cheney’s insurance provider terminated his health coverage Monday. more»
CEO Barbie Criticized For Promoting Unrealistic Career Images

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | News

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Mattel is under fire from groups who say the new Barbie presents unattainable career goals to young girls. more»
New York Philharmonic Hosts Open-Mic Night

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—The New York Philharmonic Orchestra announced Monday that it will continue its popular open-mic nights throughout the 2005 fall... more»
Bush Tearfully Addresses Nation After Watching Field Of Dreams

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC-Moments after watching a TNT afternoon showing of 1989 sports tearjerker Field of Dreams, a visibly moved President Bush interrupted... more»
Little League World Series Marred By Cutest Little Allegations Of Steroid Abuse

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | News In Brief

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Three players in the Little League World Series, two from West-region teams and one from the Southwest, tested positive for... more»
Clairvoyant Vince Vaughn Accepts Movie Role Before It's Offered

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | News In Brief

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Vince Vaughn telephoned his agent Norman Falbaum Monday, saying only, "Tell Owen yes." According to Falbaum, the phone rang... more»
California's Gay-Marriage Bill

issue 4136 | 09.13.05 | American Voices

Last week, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said he will veto the gay-marriage bill passed by California’s state legislature. What do you think? more»
Strategic Oil Reserves

issue 4136 | 09.12.05 | American Voices

In the wake of Hurricane Katrina, President Bush is tapping the strategic oil reserve to help petroleum refiners. What do you think? more»
CBGB's Lease Expires

issue 4136 | 09.09.05 | American Voices

The landlord of the CBGB's building announced that he will not renew the lease of the legendary New York club. What do you think? more»
Chimp Genome Mapped

issue 4136 | 09.08.05 | American Voices

Scientists have mapped the complete chimp genome and are comparing it to the human genome to see what sets the two species apart. What do you... more»
Racial Profiling Okay?

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | American Voices

A recent study shows that most Americans do not have a problem with racial profiling by law enforcement officers. What do you think? more»
Death Of The Chief Justice

issue 4136 | 09.06.05 | American Voices

William Rehnquist, the chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, died Saturday at age 80. What do you think? more»
Area Man Hopes To 'Accidentally' See His Roommate's Girlfriend Naked

issue 4136 | 09.12.05 | Radio
Dead iPod Remembered As Expensive

issue 4136 | 09.09.05 | Radio
Beloved Minister Dies As He Lived: Of A Heart Attack

issue 4136 | 09.08.05 | Radio
Cocky Attempt To Operate ATM In Spanish Backfires

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | Radio
Cancer Victim Given Second Chance At Death

issue 4136 | 09.06.05 | Radio
Immune-Deficient Realtor Forced To Spend Entire Life In Housing Bubble

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | News In Photos
Area Man Does His Best Thinking On His ATV

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | News In Photos
The Only Thing We Have To Fear Is The Chupacabra

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | Commentary

Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to serve as president of the great nation of Mexico. For nearly 200 years, our people have withstood the... more»
I'm A Cloud Factory!

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | Commentary

Puff ... puff ... puff ... Hey, everybody, look at me! No, don't look around you—look up! Up here! It's me, the... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | Horoscopes
Iraqi Constitution

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | Infographic

Iraq unveiled the final draft of its constitution last week. What are some of the provisions? more»
Most Common Sports Injuries

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | Statshot
Failing: Is This Your Year?

issue 4136 | 09.09.05 | Sunday Magazine
September 7, 1901

issue 4136 | 09.07.05 | Onion In History

McKinley Attacked By Wild Boar more»