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September 14, 2005 - September 20, 2005 | Issue 41•37

Search For Self Called Off After 38 Years

CHICAGO—The longtime search for self conducted by area man Andrew Speth was called off this week, the 38-year-old said Monday. "I always thought that if I kept searching and exploring, I'd discover who I...

Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference Monday, President Bush named a 72-day-old gestating fetus as his nominee to fill the Supreme Court seat... more»
Report: More Kids Being Home-Churched

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | News

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Bible Belt parents are removing their children from Sunday school in favor of family-based worship. more»
Elf Finger Found In Box Of Keebler Cookies

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | News

PINE MEADOW, CA—Ed Swaney discovered a golden-fingernailed appendage in his E.L. Fudge cookies Sunday. more»
Older Brother To Attempt Unmanned Bike Mission Into Ravine

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | News In Brief

VERONA, WI—Robbie Bovy, 13, announced his intentions Monday to launch his brother's Schwinn BMXpert into a ravine near the East View Heights... more»
Souter Hopes Roberts Is Into Birds

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Anticipating the confirmation of federal appeals court Judge John Roberts to the Supreme Court, Justice David Souter expressed... more»
Microwave-Resistant Potato Alarms Scientists

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | News In Brief

BOISE, ID—Tuber researchers from the Western Root Vegetable Institute reported Monday that they have discovered a strain of... more»
Halliburton Gets Contract To Pry Gold Fillings From New Orleans Corpses' Teeth

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | News In Brief

HOUSTON—On Tuesday, Halliburton received a $110 million no-bid government contract to pry the gold fillings from the mouths of deceased... more»
Bashful Terrorists Won't Take Credit For Attack

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | News In Brief

SANA'A, YEMEN—In a videotaped statement that aired on Al Jazeera Monday, al-Aziz, the terrorist group responsible for the bombing of a U.S.... more»
Terrell Owens Pre-Emptively Disparages Next Contract

issue 4137 | 09.21.05 | Sports News

PHILADELPHIA—Eagles wideout Terrell Owens, who recently returned to his team after a training-camp holdout on the second year of his seven-year,... more»
Katrina Reporters "Lost It"

issue 4137 | 09.19.05 | American Voices

American viewers witnessed reporters becoming unusually emotional on camera while reporting on Hurricane Katrina, raising questions about... more»
iPod Nano

issue 4137 | 09.16.05 | American Voices

Apple recently introduced yet another new iPod, a wafer-thin, flash-based unit that marks the fifth product generation for the popular player. What... more»
Ford Recall

issue 4137 | 09.15.05 | American Voices

Ford Motor Company recalled 3.8 million pickup trucks and SUVs due to an electrical-system safety issue. What do you think? more»
New Orleans Pets

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | American Voices

According to reports, many people in New Orleans are reluctant to evacuate because they don't want to leave their pets. What do you think? more»
Popular 'Dad' Character Will Leave Next Season

issue 4137 | 09.19.05 | Radio
Seventy-Two Percent Of High Fives Unwarranted

issue 4137 | 09.16.05 | Radio
Scientists Discover 6000-Year-Old Stain

issue 4137 | 09.15.05 | Radio
NASA Baffled By Failure Of Straw Shuttle

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | Radio
Supermodel Really Interested In Meeting Creator Of Fan Website

issue 4137 | 09.13.05 | Radio
Annoying Man More Annoying After Skydiving

issue 4137 | 09.13.05 | News In Photos
World's Fattest Town Makes, Consumes World's Largest Mozzarella Stick

issue 4137 | 09.13.05 | News In Photos
Oh Yes... I Am Still Very Much Alive!

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | Columnists

Ha! I see by the look of terror in your pathetic Earthling eyes that you did not expect to see me standing here when the sliding doors to the... more»
Ask A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | Advice

A Man Who's Jowl-Deep In Phyllis Diller's Pussy has been a syndicated advice columnist since 1979. His column appears in over 250 papers nationwide. more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | Horoscopes
Slumping Box Office

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | Infographic

Hollywood just had one of its slowest summers at the box office. What is the film industry doing to get people back in theaters? more»
Causes For Gas-Price Increase

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | Statshot
Superstitious, Needy Children's Letters To God

issue 4137 | 09.16.05 | Sunday Magazine
September 12, 1972

issue 4137 | 09.14.05 | Onion In History

Puke Orange, Pea Green, Mustard Yellow Adopted as New National Colors more»