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Oprah Stuns Audience With Free Man Giveaway

Oprah Stuns Audience With Free Man Giveaway CHICAGO—The season premiere of The Oprah Winfrey Show unleashed a surprise for viewers Monday, when host Winfrey presented her studio audience with an unexpected gift: eligible men....

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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Virgo: You just thought it was a cool design, but people will soon inform you that the guy on your T-shirt was some Argentinean nutjob named Shea or something.

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Judging Roberts

Judging Roberts

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Leading Contaminants In New Orleans Water

Leading Contaminants In New Orleans Water

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Updates: Tuesday 9/20/05

American Voices

Hockey Returns

 Black Man
"Well, it's a little too late now, isn't it, seeing as Canada committed suicide last month?"


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9/20/05 11:28 AM

Onion Radio News

Stigmatic Teen Says His Miracle Is Gross

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9/20/05 11:56 AM

Onion Magazine

A List Of Celebrities Written Down & Numbered

9/23/05 9:42 AM

National News Highlights

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  • BALTIMORE—17-year-old Tyler Jurgensen is beginning to suspect that the homeless man he got to buy booze for him has stolen his 20 bucks, but Jurgensen intends to give him "a little while longer" before he finds someone else.
  • CINCINNATI—The guy from 98 Degrees was defeated in the mayoral primaries despite his vast experience in dancing for a manufactured pop band, leaving the citizens of Cincinnati to wait at least four more years for much-needed reforms.
  • ANCHORAGE, AK—The Anchorage Public Health Department announced a dip in the city's suicide rate in the past month, citing the appearance of a traveling circus that may have briefly cheered up Anchorage residents.
9/20/05 10:53 AM

Stock Watch

Eli Lilly

The price for this pharmaceutical giant experienced sharp drops today when it recalled the blood-pressure medication Kalelavoxtra upon discovering the product name was a mystical incantation that aroused blood-drinking demons from their ancient slumber.

9/22/05 9:43 AM

This Day In History

Gum In Our Schools

September 18, 1954

Gum In Our Schools!
Children As Young As 10 Carrying Sticks To Class

9/21/05 11:59 AM
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