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September 28, 2005 - October 4, 2005 | Issue 41•39

Guy In Philosophy Class Needs To Shut The Fuck Up

HANOVER, NH—According to students enrolled in professor Michael Rosenthal's Philosophy 101 course at Dartmouth College, that guy, Darrin Floen, the one who sits at the back of the class and acts like he's Aristotle, seriously needs to shut...

U.S. Launches AIDS-Awareness Campaign In Botswana: 'You All Have AIDS,' Says U.S.

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | News

FRANCISTOWN, BOTSWANA—Officials and volunteers from the U.S.-based AIDS Awareness Organization began an aggressive campaign Monday to inform the... more»
Report: Some Sort Of Primary Just Happened

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | News

OLYMPIA, WA—Inconclusive evidence suggests that some kind of primary election might have occurred in the last week or so. more»
Two Publicists, Stylist, Personal Assistant Injured As Nicole Kidman Turns On Handlers

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | News

LOS ANGELES—The Oscar-winner’s publicist suffered extensive nerve damage and severely yanked hair. more»
Delta Blues Poised For Biggest Revival Since 1915

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | News In Brief

NEW ORLEANS—Blues historians report that Delta blues, an early blues form that arose in the Mississippi Delta region, is poised for its... more»
Nobody In Ukraine Notices Absence Of Government

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | News In Brief

KIEV, UKRAINE—The firing of Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko and the dismissal of most of the federal government continued to go unremarked by... more»
Congress Abandons WikiConstitution

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Congress scrapped the open-source, open-edit, online version of the Constitution Monday, only two months after it went live.... more»
Bush's Approval Rating Of Other Americans Also At All-Time Low

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Shortly after President Bush's job-approval rating dipped to 40 percent, the lowest of his presidency, a poll indicated that... more»
New PSA Reduces Accidental Staplings By 33 Percent

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—In the wake of a campaign launched by the Occupational Safety And Health Administration this spring, accidental stapling... more»
ESPN Courts Female Viewers With World's Emotionally Strongest Man Competition

issue 4139 | 09.29.05 | Sports News

BRISTOL, CT—Sports broadcasting giant ESPN, whose programming has long been a staple among male television viewers of all ages, made its first... more»
IRA Disarmament

issue 4139 | 10.04.05 | American Voices

The Irish Republican Army, working with an independent international commission, claims to have destroyed all its weapons stockpiles. What do... more»
Cheney's Aneurysms

issue 4139 | 10.03.05 | American Voices

Vice President Dick Cheney is recovering after having aneurysms removed from the back of both his knees. What do you think? more»
Gay Clergyman

issue 4139 | 09.30.05 | American Voices

The Vatican has announced that it will prevent homosexuals from entering the priesthood. What do you think? more»
Tom DeLay Steps Down

issue 4139 | 09.29.05 | American Voices

Rep. Tom DeLay (R-TX) was recently indicted on charges of conspiracy in a campaign-financing scheme, and forced to temporarily step down as House... more»
Cigarette Moderation Still Kills

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | American Voices

A new study shows that smoking as little as one cigarette a day can still triple heart-disease risks. What do you think? more»
NASA Shuttle Bus Delayed

issue 4139 | 10.04.05 | Radio
NRA Changes Focus From Guns To Penmanship

issue 4139 | 10.03.05 | Radio
Al Qaeda Vows To Win War On Tourism

issue 4139 | 09.30.05 | Radio
Aromatherapist Fails To Factor In Own Falafel Breath

issue 4139 | 09.29.05 | Radio
Florida Residents Pull Together To Plead For More Government Relief

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | Radio
Local Building Accessible To Only The Strongest Of The Handicapped

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | News In Photos
Carhartt Introduces Rugged Work Thong

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | News In Photos
Women Have To Stop Starving Themselves Past The Point Of Hotness

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | Commentary

Avoiding eating in order to improve your appearance is part of being a woman, and it's natural for a woman to devote all of her time to achieving... more»
There's No Problem I Can Handle

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | Commentary

My life has been a series of problems, and I've handled each one the same way. As an only child in a privileged home, I had what you... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | Horoscopes
NASA Moon Mission

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | Infographic

Last week, scientists at NASA announced that they will send a manned spacecraft to the moon by the year 2018. Here are some of their plans for the... more»
Most Common Addictions

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | Statshot
FEMA Disaster Survival Tips

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | Tips

Recent events have underscored the importance of being properly prepared to deal with the effects of natural disasters. With that in mind, the... more»
Onion Weekender For Seniors

issue 4139 | 09.30.05 | Sunday Magazine
September 28, 1964

issue 4139 | 09.28.05 | Onion In History

Malcolm X: 'I Also Have A Dream' more»
Wheelchair-Basketball Players Stunned By Thunderous Slam Dunk

issue 4139 | 09.29.05 | Photo Finish

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