Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 5, 2005 - October 11, 2005 | Issue 41•40

CEO's Success Credited To Unbelievable Handshake

SAN DIEGO—Garrett Maddox, born to a working-class family living on the South Side of Chicago, started out at the bottom, but has quickly worked his way up the corporate ladder. A youthful 34, he was recently named chief executive officer of telecommunications-research giant Qualcomm, and has already headed up 11 Fortune 500 companies,...

Citing Slow Summer Box Office, Hollywood Calls It Quits

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | News

BURBANK, CA—Universal Studios joined DreamWorks SKG, Sony Pictures, Warner Bros., Paramount, and Fox Monday, when CEO Ron Meyer announced that... more»
America's Obese: A Food Source For America's Even More Obese?

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The answer to morbidly obese Americans' problems could be standing right behind them in the buffet line. more»
Bob Marley Rises From Grave To Free Frat Boys From Bonds Of Oppression

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | News

WILLIAMSBURG, VA—The reggae legend returned Monday to give a voice to the rich white frata mon. more»
Missing Girl's Family Really Hates To Part With Reward

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | News In Brief

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Although abducted 8-year-old Becca Schwalls has been safely returned to her family, her parents are "sort of having second... more»
Adult-Entertainment Industry Donates $100,000 In Charity Sex To Hurricane Victims

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | News In Brief

VAN NUYS, CA—Citing the need for a "nationwide outpouring of love," the American Adult Entertainment Foundation announced Monday that it will... more»
Skeleton Of Mayan Nerd Dug From Prehistoric Locker

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | News In Brief

ALTUN HA, BELIZE—Archaeologists discovered an obsidian locker containing the skeleton of an ancient Mayan nerd, believed to have been forced... more»
Halliburton Given Contract To Rebuild Cheney

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Halliburton was awarded an $85.5 million contract to rebuild damaged U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney Monday. "We are proud to... more»
Bus-Stop Ad Has More Legal Protections Than Average Citizen

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | News In Brief

BOSTON—According to the National Consumer Law Center, a bus-stop poster advertising the weight-loss pill TrimSpa has more legal protections... more»
Online Poaching

issue 4140 | 10.11.05 | American Voices

Illegal online sales of endangered animal and plant species are becoming problematic, as they are both lucrative and difficult to regulate. What do... more»
Portable Video Devices

issue 4140 | 10.10.05 | American Voices

Portable DVD players and multiple-function devices such as Sony's PSP and Nokia's N-Gage are making it possible to watch pre-recorded video... more»
WTC Freedom Center Canceled

issue 4140 | 10.07.05 | American Voices

New York Governor George Pataki has canceled plans for the Freedom Center museum at ground zero, saying it was the cause of too much controversy.... more»
Anna Nicole And The Supreme Court

issue 4140 | 10.06.05 | American Voices

The Supreme Court of the United States has agreed to hear Anna Nicole Smith's inheritance case. What do you think? more»
Violent Crime At 30-Year Low

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | American Voices

Statistics indicate that the violent-crime rate in the U.S. is at its lowest point in 30 years. What do you think? more»
Kentucky Legislature Bans Gay Pet Weddings

issue 4140 | 06.24.08 | Radio
Frances Bean Cobain Enters Prehab Clinic

issue 4140 | 10.11.05 | Radio
Environment-Friendly Hollywood Achieves 91% Recycled Content

issue 4140 | 10.10.05 | Radio
14 Feelings Hurt In Local Teasing Incident

issue 4140 | 10.07.05 | Radio
Cache Of Seized Weapons Donated To Poor

issue 4140 | 10.06.05 | Radio
Cosmopolitan Releases 40-Year Compendium: 812,683 Ways To Please Your Man

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | News In Photos
Smokers At Party Only Ones To Make It To Fire Escape In Time

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | News In Photos
Please Stop Screaming At Me

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | Commentary

Sir, I realize that you were enraged by the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina as it was broadcast into your home. And I fully understand and share... more»
I Should Really Get Around To Reporting My Wife Missing

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | Commentary

The Monday Susan disappeared, everything seemed normal—folded laundry in my drawers, clean dishes in the drying rack, and the living-room... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | Horoscopes
Intelligent Design Trial

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | Infographic

A debate has arisen over a Pennsylvania school board's decision to teach both intelligent design and evolution in the classroom. What are some... more»
What Diseases Do Mosquitoes Carry?

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | Statshot
Your E-Mail: Are You Checking It Enough?

issue 4140 | 10.07.05 | Sunday Magazine
October 4, 1938

issue 4140 | 10.05.05 | Onion In History

Chamberlain Returns From Meeting With Hitler Promising 'London Laid Waste In Our Time' more»