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Citing Slow Summer Box Office, Hollywood Calls It Quits

Citing Slow Summer Box Office, Hollywood Calls It Quits BURBANK, CA—Universal Studios joined DreamWorks SKG, Sony Pictures, Warner Bros., Paramount, and Fox Monday, when CEO Ron Meyer announced that the company is shutting down operations and ceasing all film production,...

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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Libra: You won't be hit by a bus this week, exactly. Circumstances will unfold so that you're traveling at almost 100 miles an hour when you strike a stationary bus.

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Intelligent Design Trial

Intelligent Design Trial

StatShot

What Diseases Do Mosquitoes Carry?

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Updates: Wednesday 10/05/05

American Voices

Violent Crime At 30-Year Low

 Young Woman
"Violent crime is down largely due to the use of tasers, which when used properly, are considered not violent, but 'humorous' crimes."


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10/05/05 8:34 AM

Onion Radio News

Kentucky Legislature Bans Gay Pet Weddings

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10/05/05 7:38 AM

Onion Magazine

Your E-Mail: Are You Checking It Enough?

10/07/05 11:45 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • SAN ANDREAS, CA—A local store specializing in fine china and delicate shelving was, for the 18th time this year, forced to re-order its entire inventory.
  • HELENA, MT—Local magician The Amazing Andy's "trade secrets" were revealed yesterday, when his "disappeared" wife was found chopped up into little pieces in an underground lair beneath his wood shed.
  • WATERTOWN, MA—Short-tempered physics teacher Mr. Seppa promised he would demonstrate the effects of gravity and momentum to the next student who spoke out of turn by body-slamming them through a desk.
10/11/05 12:02 PM

Stock Watch

Green Sun Airlines

Eco-conscious buyers continue to drive up the price of this alternative-energy transportation startup, despite the sheer idiocy involved in producing solar- or geothermal-powered airliners.

10/06/05 6:15 AM
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