Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

October 19, 2005 - October 25, 2005 | Issue 41•42

Veteran Cop Gets Along Great With Rookie Partner

LOS ANGELES—Just one month before narcotics officer Vincent Tate was planning to turn in his badge and retire on a full pension, he learned that he was being assigned a rookie partner. Now, after four weeks, the hard-boiled 25-year veteran of the Los Angeles Police...

Study Reveals Pittsburgh Unprepared For Full-Scale Zombie Attack

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | News

PITTSBURGH—A zombie-preparedness study, commissioned by Pittsburgh Mayor Tom Murphy and released Monday, indicates that the city could easily... more»
Six Dead In Gubernatorial Suicide Pact

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | News

COLUMBUS, OH—The "Gubernatorial Six" were known for their penchants for dark suits and their "fuck everything" attitudes. more»
Poll: More Americans Getting Their News From Bev

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | News

MARSHFIELD, MA—News analysts credit local resident Beverly Tollefsen's media success to her prime position on the corner of Webster Street. more»
Report: One In Five Women Training To Be Yoga Instructors

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Department of Labor report on job retraining, 21 percent of American women are training to be yoga instructors,... more»
President Bush Urges Nation

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Saying he "could not stress the issue strongly enough," President Bush urged the nation Monday in a televised address from the... more»
Missing Girl Elected To Aruban Parliament

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | News In Brief

ORANJESTAD, ARUBA—In a surprise election result, Aruban voters elected missing Alabama teen Natalee Holloway to their parliament Tuesday. "The... more»
New Orleans Struck By Meteorite

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | News In Brief

NEW ORLEANS—A tractor-trailer-sized meteorite struck downtown New Orleans late Monday night with comparable force to that of a small nuclear... more»
Latest Jihad Has Something For Everyone

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | News In Brief

SANA'A, YEMEN—Leaders of the New Mujahideen jihadist movement say their latest holy war should appeal to people from all walks of Muslim life.... more»
Bush To Throw Out First Through 120th Pitch Of World Series

issue 4142 | 10.20.05 | Sports News

CHICAGO—The White House formally announced Thursday that President George W. Bush will open the 2005 World Series in Chicago by throwing out the... more»
Reading Incomprehension

issue 4142 | 10.25.05 | American Voices

Recent standardized-test scores show that, while American students' math scores are acceptable, their reading comprehension is unsatisfactory. What... more»
The Chinese In Space

issue 4142 | 10.24.05 | American Voices

China's second manned space capsule just returned from orbit, paving the way for a future Chinese moon mission. What do you think? more»
Mardi Gras 2006?

issue 4142 | 10.21.05 | American Voices

Mardi Gras organizers in New Orleans promised that they will hold the celebration in February 2006 as planned, despite the destruction caused by... more»
Blacks Disapprove Of Bush

issue 4142 | 10.20.05 | American Voices

Polls conducted by NBC have Bush's approval rating with African-Americans at 2 percent with a 2 percent margin of error. What do you think? more»
L.A. Catholic Priest Scandal

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | American Voices

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles released records showing that known child-molesting priests were often allowed to continue practicing... more»
Veteran Who Stormed The Beach At Normandy Still Getting Laid Because Of It

issue 4142 | 10.25.05 | Radio
Local Man Gets Stabbing Right On 47th Try

issue 4142 | 10.24.05 | Radio
Romantic Hostage Negotiator Offers Bank Robbers The Moon And The Stars

issue 4142 | 10.21.05 | Radio
Department Of The Interior's Official Seal Definitely Bush's Favorite

issue 4142 | 10.20.05 | Radio
New Movie From Pixar To Totally Fuck With Kid's Minds

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | Radio
Astronomers Discover Extremely Graphic Galaxy

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | News In Photos
Third-Grade Slumber Party A Snakepit Of Machiavellian Alliances

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | News In Photos
I Can't Listen To This Nonsense Anymore... Or Can I?

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | Commentary

It seems that every time I bother to pay attention to what's going on in the world, I hear of another scandal. Another example of greed or... more»
What Idiot Wrote These Ten Commandments?

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | Commentary

You keep hearing about these Ten Commandments on television, all the religious fundamentalist types saying, "Let's put them up in the courthouse,... more»
Horoscopes 4142

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | Horoscopes
Hussein Trial Developments

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | Infographic

This week, Saddam Hussein began his first trial before an Iraqi tribunal, where he faces charges of an alleged 1982 massacre. What are some early... more»
Top Fall Getaways

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | Statshot
"They Tried To Teach My Baby Science"

issue 4142 | 10.21.05 | Sunday Magazine
October 19, 1931

issue 4142 | 10.19.05 | Onion In History

Al Capone's Reign Of Tax-Evading Terror Finally Brought To End more»
Attempt To Delay Ejaculation By Thinking About Baseball Ruined By Crush On Johnny Damon

issue 4142 | 10.20.05 | Photo Finish