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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Scorpio: You've felt for weeks as if they were on the verge of figuring out your secret shame, which is ridiculous, as no one even knows who you are.

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Updates: Wednesday 10/26/05

American Voices

Personal Bankruptcy Laws

Old Woman
"If they didn't want to go bankrupt, people should have thought about that before deciding to pursue their dreams."


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10/26/05 10:24 AM

Onion Radio News

Authorities Place Alabama Residents In Foster State

 

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10/26/05 5:36 AM

Onion Magazine

Onion Weekender October 30, 2005

10/28/05 7:14 AM

National News Highlights

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  • LOS ANGELES—Friends at the home of legendary comedian Bob Newhart this week were horrified to learn that what they first thought was "Bob doing one of his old routines" was actually a real telephone call from the LAPD informing Mr. Newhart that his wife had been killed in a car accident.
  • BONANZA, MT—For the fourth time this week, local alderman Charles Rabnett wished that Bonanza's assisted-living residence had been downwind from the rest of the town.
  • MERRIMAC, MA—Plastic army men were blamed for the overflowing of a local dishwasher Monday.
11/01/05 12:02 PM

Stock Watch

Johannesburg Metal & Mineral (JOMET)

Johannesburg Metal & Mineral, a South African mining and refining giant often criticized in the international business community for its exploitative race relations and labor policies, continued to post steady gains even though no one would actually admit to investing in the twisted Nazi motherfuckers.

10/26/05 11:59 AM
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