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This Week’s Horoscopes

Scorpio: You'll lose the use of your left arm this week when your city uses rather draconian eminent-domain laws to commandeer it for garbage-hauling and tree-removal duties.

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Updates: Wednesday 11/02/05

American Voices

Alito Nominated

Young Woman
"With all the recent distractions, I’m looking forward to when the Supreme Court can finally settle down and go back to handing out awful, awful rulings again."


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11/02/05 6:14 AM

Onion Radio News

Eric Being A Real Dick Lately

 

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11/02/05 9:43 AM

Onion Magazine

Disaster, Could It Strike Again?

11/04/05 12:33 PM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • CASPER, WY—Neighborhood suspicions were aroused today when mail carrier Tom Deek discovered that local resident Duane "Kutch" Kutcherson has begun subscribing to The Nation.
  • FAYETTEVILLE, TN—10-year-old Kate Mulberry’s life began its downward spiral when she checked out a Piers Anthony book because it had a unicorn on it.
  • JERSEY CITY, NJ—A family game of Clue this week confirmed area father Doug Neubaur’s belief that his three children would never suspect a thing if he were to murder their mother.
11/08/05 9:08 AM

Stock Watch

Health Treat Industries (HTRTI)

This wholesaler of healthy, all-natural baked goods continues its three-week downward spiral as more and more customers realize they don't want to eat a goddamned organic cookie.

11/02/05 11:51 AM

This Day In History

Republican Revolution Of '94: Everything's Different Now

November 2, 1994

Republican Revolution Of '94: Everything's Different Now

11/02/05 11:17 AM
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