Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 9, 2005 - November 15, 2005 | Issue 41•45

Redbook Reporter Refuses To Disclose Source Of Recipe

ATLANTA—A federal judge said Monday that magazine writer Nancy Steuber will be held in contempt of court if she continues to withhold the source of a recipe for maple-glazed ham published in Redbook magazine...

'Now We Can Finally Put Civil Rights Behind Us'

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | News

DETROIT—With the passing of Rosa Parks, America has also buried the long, hard struggle for racial equality. more»
U.S. Dollar Slips Against Canadian Acorn

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | News

NEW YORK—The inedible, impractical dollar touched a one-month low against the stable, calcium-rich acorn Monday. more»
Metal Council Convenes To Discuss 'Metal Hand Sign' Abuse

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | News

VATNAJÖKULL GLACIER, ICELAND—Leaders of the metal community met Monday to discuss the overuse of the devil horns. more»
Wife Always Dragging Husband Into Her Marital Problems

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | News In Brief

HOUSTON—Banker Robert "Rob Boy" Grelman expressed annoyance with his wife Janet Monday, saying she consistently involves him in her marital... more»
Faith Healer Loses Patient During Routine Miracle

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | News In Brief

WAYCROSS, GA—A routine laying-on of hands ended in a fatal cardiac embolism for a worshiper at the One, True, Glorious, Excruciated, And Risen... more»
Cameron Crowe To Release Only Soundtracks

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Explaining that his movies were but a small step in the pursuit of a career he has always dreamed about, Almost Famous... more»
Okie Hears There's Sam's Club Work In New Mexico

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | News In Brief

TULSA, OK—Day laborer Cal Thornton, driven from the Wal-Mart where his family worked the stockroom for generations, has heard tell of Sam's Club... more»
Bird Arthritis Epidemic Largely Ignored

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | News In Brief

GENEVA—Officials from the World Health Organization remain relatively unconcerned by the rise in cases of bird arthritis, a degenerative joint... more»
NYC Marathon Winner 'Just Went Out There And Had Fun'

issue 4145 | 11.10.05 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Paul Tergat, who on Sunday became the winner of the biggest and closest New York City Marathon in history, downplayed the role of... more»
Montana Bison Hunt

issue 4145 | 11.15.05 | American Voices

The three-month bison-hunting season opens in Montana today, marking the first open season in the state in 15 years. What do you think? more»
Intelligent Design Ousted

issue 4145 | 11.14.05 | American Voices

Voters in Dover, PA voted out eight school board members who supported an intelligent-design statement being read in biology class. What do... more»
Bush To Veto Torture Ban?

issue 4145 | 11.11.05 | American Voices

The Senate recently approved a ban on torture with a 90-9 vote, but the White House is threatening to veto the bill. What do you think? more»
U.S. Immigration Fence?

issue 4145 | 11.10.05 | American Voices

Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA) proposed legislation that would call for the creation of an $8 billion, 2,000-mile fence on the U.S.-Mexico border. What... more»
White House Ethics Class

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | American Voices

In order to restore integrity to the image-damaged White House, President Bush is ordering his staff to take an ethics refresher course. What do... more»
Off-Duty Weatherman Delights Seniors With Impromptu Forecast

issue 4145 | 11.15.05 | Radio
Roommate Eats Emergency-Preparedness Kit

issue 4145 | 11.14.05 | Radio
Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes' Baby Could Be Born Addicted To Publicity

issue 4145 | 11.11.05 | Radio
Jesus Questioned For Accepting Tithes From Lobbyists

issue 4145 | 11.10.05 | Radio
Bicycle-Riding Circus Bear Pedals Back To Natural Habitat

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | Radio
Chicago's Shedd Aquarium Admits Panda Exhibit A Ghastly Mistake

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | News In Photos
SuicideGirls.com Put On 24-Hour Watch

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | News In Photos
I'm Very Interested In Hearing Some Half-Baked Theories

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | Commentary

As an ill-informed pseudo-intellectual with a particular interest in the unverifiable, I'm always on the lookout for some partially thought out... more»
My Personal Shopper Is The Worst

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | Commentary

I called up Alexa at Bergdorf's Sunday night and told her I needed gloves, a hat, an evening dress, two coats,12 sweaters, a couple hair... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | Horoscopes
Canceled Iraqi Reconstruction Projects

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | Infographic

Due to the unexpectedly high costs of security, the U.S. has been forced to abort a large number of Iraqi reconstruction efforts. What are some of... more»
Top Safety Placards

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | Statshot
Part 4, American Hero Series

issue 4145 | 11.11.05 | Sunday Magazine
November 9, 1988

issue 4145 | 11.09.05 | Onion In History

Surrogate Test-Tube Baboon-Hearted Baby Trapped In Well more»
Vikings Quickly Sign Released Panthers Cheerleaders

issue 4145 | 11.10.05 | Photo Finish