Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 16, 2005 - November 22, 2005 | Issue 41•46

Area Baby Doesn't Have Any Friends

TARRYTOWN, NY—Although he's had nearly three months to meet people, local baby Joshua Goldsworthy hasn't made a single friend, according to those who know him. People who have met the quiet, stay-at-home...

Long-Awaited Beer With Bush Really Awkward, Voter Reports

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | News

WARREN, PA—Chris Reinard sat uncomfortably through stories of Bush's yacht trip with an Arab prince during their brief meeting at a local bar. more»
133 Dead As Delta Cancels Flight In Midair

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | News

CINCINNATI—Delta Airlines issued a statement apologizing to those inconvenienced by the tragic cancellation. more»
Animal Planet Reality Show To Put Bear, Antelope, Hawk, Cheetah In Same House

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | News

LOS ANGELES—Producers of The Zoo auditioned over 80 different species to find the right mix of personalities. more»
Anti-Homosexuality Sermon Suspiciously Well-Informed

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | News In Brief

BOSTON—The Rev. Francis Sebastian's Sunday sermon condemning homosexual behavior was suspiciously rich in detail and nuance, parishioners... more»
Greg Behrendt Releases New Book For Children: Your Parents Aren't That Into You

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Greg Behrendt, the co-author of the bestsellers He's Just Not That Into You and It's Called A Breakup Because It's... more»
Report: North Korea Just Enjoys Nuclear Talks

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—The Bulletin Of The Atomic Scientists published a report Tuesday revealing what the international community has long... more»
Activist Wet-T-Shirt Judge Votes For Girlfriend

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | News In Brief

COLUMBIA, SC—Andrew Scully, 26, a bartender and wet-T-shirt-contest judge at local nightclub Deep Waters, has been accused of personal bias... more»
The Undertaker Forced To Manage Eddie Guerrero's Funeral

issue 4146 | 11.17.05 | Sports News

HARTFORD, CT—In a ringside announcement before 50,000 screaming, mourning fans, WWE commissioner Vince McMahon ordered The Undertaker to arrange... more»
FEMA Cuts Off Evacuees

issue 4146 | 11.22.05 | American Voices

FEMA recently announced that, at the end of the month, they will to stop paying for hurricane evacuees' hotel rooms. What do you think? more»
White House On Offensive

issue 4146 | 11.21.05 | American Voices

In response to mounting criticism toward the handling of the war, as well as the accusations of pre-war intelligence manipulation, the White House... more»
TV Downloads On AOL

issue 4146 | 11.18.05 | American Voices

In order to boost available content, America Online is preparing to offer downloads of old television programs like Welcome Back, Kotter and... more»
Alcohol Awareness Class

issue 4146 | 11.17.05 | American Voices

Colleges across the country are requiring incoming freshmen to take an online alcohol-awareness course. What do you think? more»
New Medicare Plan

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | American Voices

Criticized as needlessly confusing, the new Medicare prescription-drug program, Medicare Part D, went into effect this week. What do you... more»
White House Séance Fails To Contact Spirit Of Ronald Reagan

issue 4146 | 11.22.05 | Radio
Love Affair Not Torrid Enough For Area Man

issue 4146 | 11.21.05 | Radio
Bonsai Tree Finally Dies After Four-Year Battle With College Student

issue 4146 | 11.18.05 | Radio
New Robot Salesman Practically Sells Itself

issue 4146 | 11.17.05 | Radio
Everything Proceeding According To Bizarre Right-Wing Plan

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | Radio
Scientific American Somehow Makes Woman Feel Bad About Her Body

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | News In Photos
KFC Introduces New Bird-Flu Dipping Vaccine

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | News In Photos
My Daughter, Who Lives At 152 East Medgar St. Apt. 4, Can't Keep Her Damn Legs Crossed

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | Commentary

Being a father is no easy job, and it just gets tougher when you're a father to girls. Don't get me wrong: I love all my kids equally. But... more»
Life In The Navy Rocks Even Harder Than The Commercial Implied

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | Commentary

After I graduated from high school, I was making good money painting houses, my girlfriend was cool with a rockin' little bod, and I partied... more»
Your Horoscope 4146

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | Horoscopes
New Harry Potter Film

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | Infographic

Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire, the first PG-13-rated film in the series, is set for a Nov. 18 release. What are the themes and content... more»
Where Is Our Retirement Fund Invested?

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | Statshot
Who Is The World's Best Dictator?

issue 4146 | 11.18.05 | Sunday Magazine
November 18, 1920

issue 4146 | 11.16.05 | Onion In History

Fixed World Series Heralds First-Ever Moment Of Excitement In Baseball more»
Cam Neely's Hall Of Fame Induction Speech Cut Short Due To Injury

issue 4146 | 11.17.05 | Photo Finish