Celebrating 10 Years Online

THE ONION DISPATCH

DAILY
WEEKLY

More Newsletters

PERSONAL OF THE DAY


 

Long-Awaited Beer With Bush Really Awkward, Voter Reports

Long-Awaited Beer With Bush Really Awkward, Voter Reports WARREN, PA—Although respondents to a Pew poll taken prior to the 2004 presidential election characterized Bush as "the candidate they'd most like to sit down and have a beer with," Chris Reinard...

Read more

Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Scorpio: Your death will be so protracted and violent that investigators will let your mother down easy by telling her you were sodomized in half by a horse.

Infographic

New Harry Potter Film

New Harry Potter Film

Statshot

Where Is Our Retirement Fund Invested?

Where Is Our Retirement Fund Invested?

From Our Sponsors

Updates: Wednesday 11/16/05

American Voices

New Medicare Plan

 Old Woman
"I’ve gone through all the paperwork at least 10 times, but no matter how I fill it out, I always end up on page 35M5, Line 18, which just says 'Fuck You, Grandma.'"


More American Voices

11/16/05 12:09 PM

Onion Radio News

Everything Proceeding According To Bizarre Right-Wing Plan

Listen
 

More radio news

11/16/05 10:16 AM

Onion Magazine

Who Is The World's Best Dictator?

11/18/05 12:05 PM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • TUCSON, AZ—Daniel Soderhom, assistant supervisor of the region's number-one shaving-supplies wholesaler, committed career suicide this week when he used the edge of a razor blade to slash the veins in his wrist.
  • CHICAGO—Butcher Samuel Karwowski, who immigrated to the U.S. nearly 35 years ago from Poland, lamented this week that he didn't have a strong enough command of the English language to take full advantage of all the meat-based puns and double-entendres at his disposal.
  • WHEELWRIGHT, KY—With the help of Josh, 15, on lead vocals, Lewis, 16, on guitar, and Brian, 14, on drums and vocals, Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony" was at last completed this week.
11/22/05 11:35 AM

Stock Watch

Dolphintimate Fantasy Vacations (NYSE: DFV)

Stocks in this once-successful company plummeted today after a United Nations tribunal ruled that anti-bestiality laws in fact do apply in international waters.

11/16/05 11:18 AM

This Day In History

Where Is Our Retirement Fund Invested?

November 18, 1920

Fixed World Series Heralds First-Ever Moment Of Excitement In Baseball

11/16/05 9:08 AM
© Copyright 2008, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.
The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
Powered By Rackspace