Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 23, 2005 - November 29, 2005 | Issue 41•47

Parking-Ramp Attendant Knows All The Best Spaces

MILWAUKEE—The average customer at the Water Street parking ramp has probably not taken notice of Brian Haemker. They've passed by him day in and day out, likely assuming he is just another parking-lot attendant. But in reality, he is much...

FCC: All Programming To Be Broadcast In ADHDTV By 2007

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The FCC is advising that no new show exceed six minutes, and that all programs contain intra-episode recaps. more»
Bush To Increase Funding For Hope-Based Initiatives

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Bush's program helps the National Hope Foundation, which has been hoping for a cure for cancer for nearly two decades. more»
Cases Of Glitter Lung On The Rise Among Elementary-School Art Teachers

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | News

CHICAGO—The classroom disease is characterized by a lack of creative energy and twinkly, reflective mucus. more»
Topeka Mayor Now Highest-Ranking Non-Indicted Republican Official

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | News In Brief

TOPEKA, KS—As of Tuesday, Topeka mayor William Bunten, 74, is the nation's highest-ranking Republican official not facing indictment or public... more»
Best-Laid Plans Of Mice Mostly Cheese-Related

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | News In Brief

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Animal-intelligence researchers at Sandia National Labs have found that the best-laid plans of common laboratory mice are... more»
Holocaust Film Appeals To Believers And Skeptics Alike

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | News In Brief

HAMBURG—Critics describe Die Lange Eisenbahnfahrt (The Long Railroad Trip) as the first Holocaust film to give a fair hearing to... more»
All Of Pregnant Woman's Favorite Names Used Up On Cats

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | News In Brief

EUGENE, OR—Seven months pregnant with her first child, veteran cat lady Claudia Beck, 38, said Monday that she has already used all of her... more»
I.T. Guy Has Long Dark Night Of Self-Doubt

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—Scott Tarkoff, the I.T. manager for UrbaNews, LLC, slept little Monday night, plagued by visions of confused coworkers and faultily... more»
NFL To Move All 32 Teams To Los Angeles

issue 4147 | 11.24.05 | Sports News

NEW YORK—National Football League commissioner Paul Tagliabue announced Tuesday that, after over a decade without a football team, Los Angeles... more»
Venezuela Offers Oil To Poor In Massachusetts

issue 4147 | 11.29.05 | American Voices

Under an agreement with Venezuela President Hugo Chavez, the poor in Massachusetts will receive cheap heating oil this winter. What do you... more»
Bush Targeted Al-Jazeera?

issue 4147 | 11.28.05 | American Voices

According to a leaked memo, President Bush talked about targeting the headquarters of Arabic news station Al-Jazeera in a meeting with Tony Blair... more»
"Tookie" To Be Executed?

issue 4147 | 11.25.05 | American Voices

Crips founder, children's book author, and anti-gang activist Stanley "Tookie" Williams is scheduled for execution next week unless granted clemency... more»
Sony Recalls Risky CDs

issue 4147 | 11.24.05 | American Voices

Sony was forced to recall 4.7 million CDs this month because the copyright-protection software embedded on the discs left computers prone to hacker... more»
A Raise For Congress

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | American Voices

Prior to leaving for a two-week break, Congress approved another pay raise for itself. What do you think? more»
Area Man Thinks His Insurance Company Is Awesome

issue 4147 | 11.29.05 | Radio
Extra-Extra-Large Man Finds T-Shirt

issue 4147 | 11.28.05 | Radio
Pentagon Gets Twelve Weapons For A Penny From Columbia Missile And Tank Club

issue 4147 | 11.25.05 | Radio
Johnny Depp's Indentured Servitude To Tim Burton Ends

issue 4147 | 11.24.05 | Radio
Pea Farmers Say They Alone Keep Peas From Overrunning Planet

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | Radio
Actually, Suicide Not The Easy Way Out For Area Quadriplegic

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | News In Photos
Local Bull Dreams Of Traveling To Spain For Running Of The Bulls

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | News In Photos
Someday, Son, All This Cheap Crap Will Be Yours

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | Commentary

Son, your mother and I worked hard to build a safe and comfortable home for you. And we hope to pass it all on to you someday. As I... more»
Why Does Everybody Hate Me?

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | Commentary

I've tried, I really have, but nothing ever goes right for me. Everywhere I go, it's the same thing: people talking about me like I'm not even... more»
Horoscopes 4147

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | Horoscopes
Xbox 360 Features

issue 4147 | 11.21.05 | Infographic

Microsoft's Xbox 360 hits stores on Nov. 22. What are some of the features of the new video-game system? more»
What Are We Giving Thanks For?

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | Statshot
Eastern Religions: Which One Is Best For Your Abs?

issue 4147 | 11.25.05 | Sunday Magazine
November 22, 1963

issue 4147 | 11.23.05 | Onion In History

Kennedy Slain By CIA, Mafia, Castro, LBJ, Teamsters, Freemasons more»
Phil Jackson Introduces New Tetrahedron Offense

issue 4147 | 11.24.05 | Photo Finish