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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Sagittarius: Statistics say that nearly 78 percent of rapes are committed by someone the victim knew, but you'll insist next week that the more correct phrasing is "thought they knew."

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Updates: Wednesday 11/30/05

American Voices

Museums Raided Tombs?

Old Woman
"Well, it would certainly explain the recent upsurge in mummy-curse-related murders at the Met."


More American Voices

11/30/05 9:34 AM

Onion Magazine

"My Perfect Teeth Will Carve A Mural Of Pain In Your Flesh"

12/02/05 10:13 AM

National News Highlights

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  • SMALLVILLE, KS—Scientists at Luthorcorp remain unable to explain local resident Clark Kent, a "teenage" boy who, in defiance of all the laws of science, appears to be clearly at least 28 years old.
  • MOLINE, IL—In a landmark interview, whistleblower and former Nabisco chemist Brian Thronson told 60 Minutes this week that Oreo cookies are nothing more than a delivery device for cream.
  • PATTERSON, GA—This year’s “Holiday Festival Of Lights” display resulted in five deaths by electrocution, down significantly from last year’s 11.
12/06/05 10:54 AM

Stock Watch

McGuffin, Inc.

This European manufacturer of plot-generating objects continues to experience solid gains well into the fiscal third act.

11/30/05 12:35 PM

This Day In History

November 27, 1979

November 27, 1979

Sadat, Begin Celebrate Peace Treaty With All-Night Coke Orgy At Studio 54

11/30/05 11:29 AM
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