Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

November 30, 2005 - December 6, 2005 | Issue 41•48

Sleazy Town Will Do Anything To Get On Map

WHEATON, MN—There was a time when small towns were known for decency and traditional virtues. Such is clearly not the case for the flagrantly self-promoting village of Wheaton, MN. With its...

Fritolaysia Cuts Off Chiplomatic Relations With Snakistan

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | News

KARUNCHI, SNAKISTAN—Fritolaysia's trade blockade has also cut off Snakistan's commerce with Yumen, Mmmmadagascar, and the Chex Republic. more»
CIA Realizes It's Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | News

LANGLEY, VA—The most crucial passages of U.S. intelligence have been emphasized with indelible black highlighters. more»
Terrorist Has No Idea What To Do With All This Plutonium

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | News

ZAHEDAN, IRAN—Yaquub Akhtar said the only thing his confusing weapons of mass destruction are destroying is his ability to kill infidels. more»
RIAA Bans Telling Friends About Songs

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—The Recording Industry Association of America announced Tuesday that it will be taking legal action against anyone discovered... more»
Enchilada Premonition Comes To Pass

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | News In Brief

BUFFALO, NY—An unaccountable vision of impending enchilada consumption experienced by SUNYBuffalo student Kris Lamberth came true early... more»
MythBusters Team Struck Down By Zeus

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—MythBusters hosts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman, who dared challenge the sacred explanations of the order of the... more»
Impersonal Trainer Couldn't Give A Fuck What You Do With Those Free Weights

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Wes Orth Jr., the man considered to be the standard-bearer for a new breed of strong and aloof impersonal trainers, could not care... more»
Annika Sorenstam Has Another Remarkable Year For A Lady

issue 4148 | 12.01.05 | Sports News

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Annika Sorenstam, the absolutely adorable doll of golf's lighter, gentler side, and a true lady who has absolutely charmed... more»
Public Wants Troops Home

issue 4148 | 12.06.05 | American Voices

According to a recent poll, 52 percent of Americans want to withdraw troops from Iraq within the next 12 months. What do you think? more»
Shoplifting Gangs Threaten Retail

issue 4148 | 12.05.05 | American Voices

Organized shoplifting gangs are posing a serious threat to retailers around the nation. What do you think? more»
C-Sections On The Rise

issue 4148 | 12.02.05 | American Voices

Americans are delivering babies via Caesarean section in record numbers. What do you think? more»
EU Against Secret Prisons

issue 4148 | 12.01.05 | American Voices

The European Union is going to impose sanctions against member nations that cooperated with the U.S. CIA-run prisons. What do you think? more»
Museums Raided Tombs?

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | American Voices

Thousands of artifacts that have been taken from tombs around the world often make their way to prestigious museums. What do you think? more»
Can Of Reddi-Wip Audibly Consumed In Next Cubicle

issue 4148 | 12.06.05 | Radio
Despite Lack Of Natural Disaster, Thousands Flee Des Moines, Iowa

issue 4148 | 12.05.05 | Radio
Bush Proposes Trickle-Down Electronics Plan For School Computers

issue 4148 | 12.02.05 | Radio
Faith-Based TV-Repair Shop Severely Backed Up

issue 4148 | 12.01.05 | Radio
Highest Blender Setting Successfully Drowns Out Angry Jamba Juice Customer

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | Radio
Rerun of $25,000 Pyramid Adjusted For Inflation

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | News In Photos
Unregistered Sex Offender Notifies Neighbors In His Own Way

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | News In Photos
At Least I Got My Ass Kicked By A Name-Brand Crowbar

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | Commentary

Every day, people get the shit kicked out of them by cheap, second-rate implements. Be it discount baseball bats, flimsy aluminum pipes, or... more»
Why Can't Anyone Tell I'm Wearing This Business Suit Ironically?

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | Commentary

Is it my fault none of you stupid conformists can understand how hilarious and ironic my cutting-edge fashion sense is? In 1986, I was the first... more»
Your Horoscope 4148

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | Horoscopes
Wal-Mart P.R.

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | Infographic

In an effort to combat their negative media portrayal, Wal-Mart has set up a public-relations "war room." What strategies have they drawn up to... more»
What Are We Buying In Bulk?

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | Statshot
Recording Artists

issue 4148 | 11.23.05 | Slideshow
"My Perfect Teeth Will Carve A Mural Of Pain In Your Flesh"

issue 4148 | 12.02.05 | Sunday Magazine
November 27, 1979

issue 4148 | 11.30.05 | Onion In History

Sadat, Begin Celebrate Peace Treaty With All-Night Coke Orgy At Studio 54 more»
Terrell Owens Releases Own Madden Highlight Reel

issue 4148 | 12.01.05 | Photo Finish