Celebrating 10 Years Online

THE ONION DISPATCH

DAILY
WEEKLY

More Newsletters

PERSONAL OF THE DAY


 

Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom

Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom WASHINGTON, DC—Telephone logs recorded by the National Security Agency and obtained by Congress as part of an ongoing investigation suggest that the vice president may have used the Oval Office intercom system to address President Bush at crucial moments, giving categorical directives in...

Read more

Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Sagittarius: Certain people will never understand how you can be married to your job in the rare-book room of the Frick, but that's only because they think that what you do for a living is gay.

Infographic

Human-Genome Patenting

Human-Genome Patenting

Statshot

Recession-Proof Businesses, 2006

Recession-Proof Businesses, 2006

From Our Sponsors

Updates: Wednesday 12/07/05

American Voices

Narnia Targeted To Christians

 Young Woman
"Do they realize this movie is all about people coming out of closets?"


More American Voices

12/07/05 10:45 AM

Onion Magazine

Foreigners: Do They Love Their Countries More Than Ours?

12/09/05 5:30 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • ANVIK, AK—Race officials offered their sincerest apologies this week and promised that, in the future, the annual Anvik dog-sled race would not take place on the same day as the annual Anvik cat-sled race.
  • AUSTIN, TX—Coworkers Stacey Diller and Catherine Chase went out to dinner last night, ate an expensive meal, drank several glasses of wine, and then told one another everything they have ever done in their entire lives and all the men who have wronged them.
  • RALEIGH-DURHAM, NC—A classic 1975 Excalibur Phaeton, abandoned after having slid into a mudbank and now decades later set permanently in the hardened stone-like ground, was pulled out this week by Arthur's Towing Company, the one and true king of emergency road services in the greater Raleigh area.
12/13/05 7:47 AM

Stock Watch

Vassick-Moers (Nasdaq VSM)

This little-known pharmaceutical company gained nearly 50 percent when they announced that some of the custodians in the break room have been talking about how great it would be if they made a bird-flu vaccine.

12/07/05 6:56 AM

This Day In History

December 6, 1933

December 6, 1933

18th Amendment Repealed; Could Alcohol Cure Nation's Depression?

12/07/05 7:01 AM
© Copyright 2008, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.
The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
Powered By Rackspace