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December 7, 2005 - December 13, 2005 | Issue 41•49

Area Cherokee In Violation Of Indian Removal Act Of 1830

DAHLONEGA, GA—Authorities issued a warrant for the arrest and forced relocation of local carpenter and half-blooded Cherokee Indian Jonathan Palmer Monday, when he was found to be in violation of the federal Indian Removal Act of...

Voice Of God Revealed To Be Cheney On Intercom

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In one intercom-exchange transcript, a voice identifies himself as "the Lord thy God" and promotes the invasion of Iraq. more»
Rest Of U2 Perfectly Fine With Africans Starving

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | News

SAN FRANCISCO—The Edge, Adam Clayton, and Larry Mullen Jr. are perfectly okay with the dismal plight of Africa's poor. more»
Report: U.S. Coupon Wealth Largely Untapped

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The Department of Consumer Savings says that, in the midst of inflation, Americans are missing out on big money-saving opportunities. more»
Alcoholic Kindergarten Teacher Stretches Naptime To Three Hours

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | News In Brief

IRVING, TX—Following a tiring weekend, kindergarten teacher and self-described "party girl" Jeanie Rigby, 29, extended the naptime at Irving... more»
'Employees Must Wash Hands' Signs Top Iraqi Hospital Wish List

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | News In Brief

MAHMOUDIYA, IRAQ—As the tumultuous process of reconstruction continues throughout Iraq, health-care workers are still lacking the basic... more»
Goldfish Can't Stand Bowlmate

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | News In Brief

INNISKILL, RI—Sonny Jim, a 9-month-old goldfish, can no longer tolerate his bowlmate, 9-month-old goldfish Sally. more»
More Americans Falling For 'Get Rich Slowly Over A Lifetime Of Hard Work' Schemes

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | News In Brief

OMAHA, NE—A report released Monday by the Omaha-based public-interest group Aurora indicates that increasing numbers of Americans are being... more»
New Book Written From Perspective Of Gargamel

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Gregory Maguire, author of Wicked, the story of Oz told from the Wicked Witch's perspective, has completed a novel told from the... more»
Undefeated Colts To Play Football's Harlem Globetrotters

issue 4149 | 12.08.05 | Sports News

INDIANAPOLIS—The Indianapolis Colts, after building a perfect 12-0 record so far this season and expecting perhaps only the Seattle Seahawks to... more»
Patriot Act Renewed

issue 4149 | 12.13.05 | American Voices

The House and Senate have reached a deal to re-authorize the Patriot Act. What do you think? more»
British Recognize Gay Unions

issue 4149 | 12.12.05 | American Voices

Gay "civil partnerships" will be legally recognized in Great Britain later this month. What do you think? more»
9/11 Commission Let Down

issue 4149 | 12.09.05 | American Voices

In their final report, the 9/11 Commission said they were disappointed by the government response to their recommendations. What do you think? more»
Lennon, 25 Years Gone

issue 4149 | 12.08.05 | American Voices

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the death of John Lennon. What do you think? more»
Narnia Targeted To Christians

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | American Voices

The film adaptation of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, the first installment of the Chronicles Of Narnia series, is being marketed... more»
Ghost Of Ted Knight Signs On As New Voice Of God

issue 4149 | 12.13.05 | Radio
Archeologists Report Recently Uncovered Tomb Sure Smells Like Mummies

issue 4149 | 12.12.05 | Radio
President Bush: 'I Only Have One More Year To Go As President'

issue 4149 | 12.09.05 | Radio
97th Birthday Celebrated With Nurses Who Just Happened To Be On Duty

issue 4149 | 12.08.05 | Radio
Area Man Reassured If Plane Goes Down Tim Conway Will Die Too

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | Radio
Motivational Poster Inspires 264 Layoffs

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | News In Photos
Silicon Breast Implants Perform Millions Of Calculations Per Second

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | News In Photos
No Machine Can Do My Job As Resentfully As I Can

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | Commentary

In today's increasingly mechanized world, where the bottom line so often takes precedence over human considerations, the working man never knows... more»
My Songs About Topsoil Say What I Can't

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | Commentary

I'm not much of a talker. Never have been. But that doesn't mean I don't have a lot to say. It's just that, sometimes, I can't communicate what... more»
Your Horoscope 4149

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | Horoscopes
Human-Genome Patenting

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | Infographic

According to a recent study, 20 percent of human genes have been patented in the U.S. Which genes have been registered, and who are their holders? more»
Recession-Proof Businesses, 2006

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | Statshot
Foreigners: Do They Love Their Countries More Than Ours?

issue 4149 | 12.09.05 | Sunday Magazine
December 6, 1933

issue 4149 | 12.07.05 | Onion In History

18th Amendment Repealed; Could Alcohol Cure Nation's Depression? more»
Matt Leinart: ‘All I Want For My 30th Birthday Is A Rose Bowl Victory’

issue 4149 | 12.08.05 | Photo Finish