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Activist Judge Cancels Christmas

Activist Judge Cancels Christmas WASHINGTON, DC—In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans working to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of...

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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Sagittarius: While some questions can only be answered by searching deep within, whatever happened to your spleen and small intestine isn't one of them.

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Iraqi Insurgency On The Internet

Iraqi Insurgency On The Internet

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Baby Panda Names

Baby Panda Names

From Our Sponsors

Updates: Wednesday 12/14/05

American Voices

ID Critic Beaten

 Asian Man
"That'll teach him the difference between man and apes. Wait—no it won't."


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12/14/05 6:23 AM

Onion Radio News

Burger King Introduces Trudge-Through Window

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12/14/05 10:21 AM

Onion Magazine

It's Over Between Me and My Baby

12/16/05 6:13 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • DENVER, CO—Panic shot through the Mile High City when it was discovered that, despite the best efforts of nearly two decades of Colorado legislators, Hispanics are still openly speaking Spanish in the city's streets.
  • ST. PAUL, MN—A child in Minnesota is 1,217 times more likely to feel out-of-place for not being of Norwegian ancestry than a child from any other state, a St. Olaf College study reported Tuesday.
  • HOBSON, MO—Teenagers failed in their attempts to "freak out" residents of this small town by dressing in loud outlandish clothing and ended up resorting to taking a baseball bat to random mailboxes.
12/20/05 7:02 AM

Stock Watch

Conover Jewel Case Inc. (NYSE CJS)

Interest in this company rose today after it announced that a jewel-case mine in the Congo exceeded earlier speculations and would provide enough CD-protecting materials to last until 2024.

12/14/05 7:05 AM
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