Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

December 14, 2005 - December 20, 2005 | Issue 41•50

Dope Just Galumphing Where Life Takes Him

SPIRIT LAKE, IA—On an ordinary day, amiable dim-bulb Jeff Koegle wanders into many places: his den, the bowling alley, maybe the local Spee-D-Kustard, which is only a three-block dawdle from his house. For as long as anyone in Spirit Lake...

Activist Judge Cancels Christmas

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Liberal Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled that the celebration of Christmas, and any directly related good cheer, is unconstitutional. more»
New Video Game Designed To Have No Influence On Kids' Behavior

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | News

NEW YORK—Stacker, the new first-person vertical-crate-arranger, has been lauded by parents' groups for its non-immersive game play. more»
Weather-Weary Nation Not Surprised By Forecast Of Blood Storms

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Weather-beaten U.S. citizens have responded to predictions of swirling blood storms and softball-sized clot-hail with numb... more»
Santa Signs Legislation To Help Special-Wants Children

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | News In Brief

NORTH POLE—Kristofer Kringle, an international toy distributor popularly known as "Santa Claus," approved elf-penned legislation Monday that... more»
Autopsy Reveals Subject Was Still Alive When Autopsy Began

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | News In Brief

MERIWETHER, MT—County coroner James Hextall announced Monday that a thorough autopsy of C. W. Milodragovitch, a local tavern owner pulled from... more»
China Slaughters Population To Control Flu Outbreak

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | News In Brief

BEIJING—Chinese health officials entered a new phase of their bird-flu-containment campaign Monday by slaughtering all non-essential personnel,... more»
Pat Robertson Says Pie Not Delicious

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | News In Brief

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Televangelist Pat Robertson, who recently condemned the town of Dover, PA for accepting evolution and called for the... more»
Onion Sports Year In Review: Team Sports

issue 4150 | 12.15.05 | Sports News

The biggest sports stories in 2005 were not always the best. Yes, champions were crowned in notable fashion: the USC Trojans captured their second... more»
Onion Sports Year In Review: Individual Sports

issue 4150 | 12.15.05 | Sports News

Less popular, less social, and far, far less lucrative than the major team sports, individual achievement is still the competitive instinct boiled... more»
Howard Stern Leaves The Air

issue 4150 | 12.20.05 | American Voices

Howard Stern's last show on conventional radio aired last Friday, as he will make the jump to Sirius Satellite Radio in early 2006. What do... more»
Gay Cowboy Film Buzz

issue 4150 | 12.19.05 | American Voices

Brokeback Mountain, Ang Lee's controversial gay cowboy film, is generating Oscar buzz. What do you think? more»
Race Riots In Australia

issue 4150 | 12.16.05 | American Voices

This week saw race riots raging around Sydney, Australia, after white supremacists stormed the beaches and beat suspected Arabs. What do you... more»
Iraqis Head To Polls

issue 4150 | 12.15.05 | American Voices

Iraqi parliament elections are occurring today. What do you think? more»
ID Critic Beaten

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | American Voices

Professor Paul Mirecki, head of the University of Kansas' Religious Studies Department, was severely beaten recently by individuals who objected to... more»
God Returns From 2000-Year Vacation

issue 4150 | 12.20.05 | Radio
Vatican Gives Popular Jesus Character A Whole New Look

issue 4150 | 12.19.05 | Radio
Bomb Sniffing Dog Humps Bomb Defusing Robot

issue 4150 | 12.16.05 | Radio
Community Comes Together To Paint Over Ugly Mural

issue 4150 | 12.15.05 | Radio
Burger King Introduces Trudge-Through Window

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | Radio
Golden Years Spent In Brass Urn

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | News In Photos
Man On Horse Hates City

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | News In Photos
I'd Love This Product Even If I Weren't A Stealth Marketer

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | Commentary

Like you, I'm bombarded every minute of every day with advertising. And having been misled more than a few times in my life, I'm immediately... more»
And Now For Some... Amusement

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | Columnists

After all the times you have thwarted me... After all the times my plans for world domination... more»
Your Horoscope 4150

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | Horoscopes
Iraqi Insurgency On The Internet

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | Infographic

The Internet has been a valuable tool for the Iraqi insurgency. How have they been utilizing the World Wide Web? more»
Baby Panda Names

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | Statshot
It's Over Between Me and My Baby

issue 4150 | 12.16.05 | Sunday Magazine
December 10, 1936

issue 4150 | 12.14.05 | Onion In History

FDR Rummages Through Parents' House To 'See If There's Anything In There America Could Use' more»
Darius Kasparaitis Out Three To Four Weeks With Darius Kasparaitis

issue 4150 | 12.15.05 | Photo Finish