The Onion

A Look Back

BIRMINGHAM, AL—At a quiet New Year's Eve party with friends, Mountain Brook High School senior Natalee Holloway made a resolution to be famous before the end of the calendar year.

PASADENA, CA—A mere two weeks into the New Year, already what will undoubtedly be the biggest story of the year will have taken place: the upcoming Jan. 14 landing of the Huygens space probe on Titan, Saturn's immense moon.

WASHINGTON, DC—Experts at the Naval Observatory report that April, as it has every year at this time since records were kept, is progressing to an end.

NEW YORK—The identity of Deep Fruit, the source that brought down a studio audience in the Waterblank scandal in 1973, was revealed to be actor and Match Game panelist Charles Nelson Reilly, in an article published in Vanity Fair today.

CRAWFORD, TX—Fit, trim, confident in his power base, and above all well-rested following a four-week, three-day vacation at his Crawford ranch, President Bush is currently in the prime of his presidential form, pundits say.

Features

American Voices

Hopes For 2006

"A pair of novelty 2006 spectacles. At first, anyway."

More American Voices

12/28/05 10:08 AM

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