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PERSONAL OF THE DAY


 

Plan To Straighten Out Entire Life During Weeklong Vacation Yields Mixed Results

Plan To Straighten Out Entire Life MANCHESTER, NH—Returning to work after seven days off, Derek Olson, 31, confessed Monday that his plan to use his weeklong vacation to straighten out his life yielded mixed results...

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Onion Tips

Cold And Flu Prevention Tips

Here are some tips to help keep you healthy and germ-free during these cold winter months.


Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Capricorn: Your love for the unexpected joy of "snow days" will not translate directly into a love for next week's hellish rains of fire and blood.

Infographic

Preparing for Winter

Preparing For Winter

StatShot

What Are Our New Year's Resolutions?

From Our Sponsors

Updates: Tuesday 1/03/06

American Voices

U.S.-North Korea Relations

 Young Man
"I'm not really the one to ask, as I have very little experience in diplomacy with hard-line communist nations."


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1/03/06 12:01 PM

Onion Radio News

Ketchup Not Fancy Enough For Local Man

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1/03/06 10:50 AM

Onion Magazine

"They Tried To Teach My Baby Science"

1/06/06 8:41 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • SAN ANDREAS, CA—A local store specializing in fine china and delicate shelving was, for the 18th time this year, forced to re-order its entire inventory.
  • HELENA, MT—Local magician The Amazing Andy's "trade secrets" were revealed yesterday, when his "disappeared" wife was found chopped up into little pieces in an underground lair beneath his wood shed.
  • WATERTOWN, MA—Short-tempered physics teacher Mr. Seppa promised he would demonstrate the effects of gravity and momentum to the next student who spoke out of turn by body-slamming them through a desk.
1/03/06 8:17 AM

Stock Watch

Health Treat Industries (HTRTI)

This wholesaler of healthy, all-natural baked goods continues its three-week downward spiral as more and more customers realize they don't want to eat a goddamned organic cookie.

1/04/06 7:52 AM
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