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January 4, 2006 - January 10, 2006 | Issue 42•01

Important Christmas Lessons Already Forgotten

HARTFORD, CT—As the nation moves on from last month's family gatherings, churchgoing, and goodwill toward men, the annual post-Christmas readjustment process is proceeding on schedule, with...

Plan To Straighten Out Entire Life During Weeklong Vacation Yields Mixed Results

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | News

MANCHESTER, NH—Derek Olson was unable to decide about his future with his girlfriend, but he did re-alphabetize his CDs while hung-over. more»
Peppy U.S. Teens Vow To Make This The Best Year Ever

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Decked out in red-white-and-blue “spirit wear,” the Peppy Teen Squad uveiled their plans for wacky nationwide activities like... more»
Marital Frustrations Channeled Through Thermostat

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | News

DULUTH, MN—According to Carl Kulick, he tells his wife Barb to turn down the thermostat to 63 before she leaves the house, and she can’t even... more»
Swiss Threaten Ricola Embargo

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | News In Brief

BERN, SWITZERLAND—Angered by rising international tariffs against his nation, Swiss president Gunter Klima threatened a worldwide Ricola embargo... more»
ExxonMobil Swears It's Going To Start Taxes Early This Year

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | News In Brief

IRVING, TX—Hoping to avoid the "scraping and scrambling" it does every year, the ExxoMobil Corporation announced Tuesday that it has made a... more»
Antarctic Observational Comic Running Out Of Ideas

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | News In Brief

BYRD, ANTARCTICA—Brad Swithers, three-time winner of the Molson Ice/Edge Gel South Pole Laff-Off, said Monday that he is running out of ideas... more»
Man From Canada Acts Like He's Not Cold

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | News In Brief

BOSTON—While visiting family in Boston, Geoff MacArdle of Ottawa refused to admit that he was cold Monday. more»
Guy Who Just Wiped Out Immediately Claims He's Fine

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | News In Brief

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT—A fraction of a second after wiping out on a patch of ice, South Burlington pedestrian Isaac Berkman loudly insisted that... more»
Alcohol Awareness Class

issue 4201 | 01.10.06 | American Voices

Colleges across the country are requiring incoming freshmen to take an online alcohol-awareness course. What do you think? more»
Venezuela Offers Oil To Poor In Massachusetts

issue 4201 | 01.09.06 | American Voices

Under an agreement with Venezuela President Hugo Chavez, the poor in Massachusetts will receive cheap heating oil this winter. What do you... more»
Gay Cowboy Film Buzz

issue 4201 | 01.06.06 | American Voices

Brokeback Mountain, Ang Lee's controversial gay cowboy film, is generating Oscar buzz. What do you think? more»
Greenspan Retiring

issue 4201 | 01.05.06 | American Voices

After 18 years of service, Alan Greenspan is retiring as chairman of the Federal Reserve at the age of 79. What do you think? more»
U.S.-North Korea Relations

issue 4201 | 01.03.06 | American Voices

The U.S. is struggling to handle its relations with volatile, unpredictable North Korea. What do you think? more»
Kwanzaa Holiday Sales Figures Disappointing

issue 4201 | 01.10.06 | Radio
Olympic Skier Stares Down Icy Forbidding Slope Of The Rest Of Her Life

issue 4201 | 01.09.06 | Radio
You To Receive 15 Pounds Of Venison Sausage From Uncle

issue 4201 | 01.06.06 | Radio
Quick, Painless Death Tops Veal Calf's Holiday Wish List

issue 4201 | 01.05.06 | Radio
Broke Dad Makes Son A Playstation 2 For Christmas

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | Radio
Ketchup Not Fancy Enough For Local Man

issue 4201 | 01.03.06 | Radio
Cosmopolitan Offers 15 Tips For Fattening Up For Winter

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | News In Photos
Zamboni Crime Family Indicted In Ice-Shaving Scandal

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | News In Photos
We're Sick And Tired Of Raising Your Young

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | Commentary

Listen, humans, I am really starting to get tired of this crap. Get your shit together and learn to keep better track of your young, because we... more»
Why Can't We Have A Nice Igloo Like The Meekitjuks Next Door?

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | Commentary

This so-called "igloo" of ours, dear, is a complete embarrassment. Some days, I don't even want to be seen crawling out of the entrance. Now, the... more»
I Miss My Old Sled

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | Columnists

I have been informed that winter has been upon us for a good month now. It is during this long season that my thoughts invariably turn to my... more»
Your Horoscope 4201

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | Horoscopes
Preparing For Winter

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | Infographic
What Are Our New Year's Resolutions?

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | Statshot
Cold And Flu Prevention Tips

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | Tips

Here are some tips to help keep you healthy and germ-free during these cold winter months. more»
"They Tried To Teach My Baby Science"

issue 4201 | 01.06.06 | Sunday Magazine
January 4, 1959

issue 4201 | 01.04.06 | Onion In History

Alaska, Hawaii, Guam, Bora Bora, Samoa, Philippines, Japan Granted U.S. Statehood more»

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