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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Capricorn: You will simultaneously break two of the Ten Commandments this week when you disrespect your parents by murdering them.

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Updates: Tuesday 1/17/06

American Voices

Brangelina Expecting

Asian Man
“Apparently, the weak dollar has made it more cost-effective to produce certain things here than import them.”


More American Voices

1/17/06 10:35 AM

Onion Magazine

Our Fragile Ecosystem: Can It Continue To Turn A Profit?

1/20/06 12:34 PM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • PHOENIX, AZ—Ignoring the fact that they live in the middle of a God-forsaken alkali desert, residents continue to demand more water for their parched lawns and bleached-out swimming pools.
  • EL PASO, TX—Residents of this border town have accepted the offer from the Taco Bell Corporation to seal off the Mexican side of the border with Taco Bell restaurants.
  • JANESVILLE, WI—Resident Duke Alioto did the mental calculations to determine that it would take 35 overtime shifts to get the money to jack up his truck and put a new header in there.
1/17/06 8:43 AM

Stock Watch

TransOceanic Bison, LTD (TrOB)

Investors are optimistic but cautious about the potential of TRANBIS, and are withholding larger commitment until the company divulges exactly how it gets buffalo steaks and salmon fillets from the same animal.

1/18/06 5:30 AM

This Day In History

January 18, 1991

January 18, 1991

CNN Deploys Troops To Iraq: 'This Is War,' Says James Earl Jones

1/18/06 5:05 AM
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