Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

January 25, 2006 - January 31, 2006 | Issue 42•04

Second-Graders Wow Audience With School Production Of Equus

NEWPORT NEWS, VA—Second-grade students at Franklin Elementary School impressed parents, teachers, and fellow students with their recent production of Peter Shaffer's Equus...

Nation's Snowmen March Against Global Warming

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Millions of scarfless snowmen gathered in Washington to protest global warming, which has caused many of them to melt before their... more»
More Companies Phasing Out Retirement Option

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | News

NEW YORK—With companies' pension funds dwindling as retirees enjoy longer lives, many U.S. business have opted to freeze their workers'... more»
Secretary Of Agriculture Keeps Bragging He's Ninth In Line For The Presidency

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns knows what it's like to be nine heartbeats away from the nation's highest office. more»
Ghost Of Brando Urges Man To Finish Whole Cheesecake

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | News In Brief

MASON CITY, IA—The ghostly shade of Marlon Brando appeared before Carl Wilkins Sunday to urge the 36-year-old auto-body technician to devour an... more»
Craigslist Apartment Listing Uses Record 354 Exclamation Points

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | News In Brief

SAN FRANCISCO—A Craigslist advertisement for a two-bedroom apartment in San Francisco's Castro district has set an all-time Internet record for... more»
Man's Relationship Advice Same As His Hunting Tips

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | News In Brief

VERONA, WI—Friends report that HVAC installer Kirk Pulver has markedly similar advice on both relationships and deer hunting. more»
Sharon's Neurotransmitters Reach Cease-Fire Agreement

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | News In Brief

JERUSALEM—After more than 77 years under constant fire, the neurotransmitters of Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's brain could be nearing a... more»
Christian Juggler Regrets Years Wasted As Secular Juggler

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | News In Brief

TUPELO, MS—Born-again Christian juggler Jesse Lindall, 44, said Tuesday he regrets his secular past. "Kids are trying to juggle friends and... more»
Onion Sports Super Bowl Preview

issue 4204 | 01.26.06 | Sports News

With just one game remaining in the NFL season, the field of championship contenders has been trimmed considerably. Over the next two weeks, we wrap... more»
Hamas Victorious

issue 4204 | 01.31.06 | American Voices

Following Sharon's replacement and the recent political victory for Hamas, the future of the Middle East looks more uncertain than ever. What do... more»
Google Refuses To Turn Over Records To Government

issue 4204 | 01.30.06 | American Voices

Internet search-engine giant Google is refusing to turn over their records to the Justice Department, raising major privacy concerns for Web users.... more»
West Wing Canceled

issue 4204 | 01.27.06 | American Voices

NBC canceled its critically acclaimed show The West Wing after seven seasons. What do you think? more»
Conservatives Rule Canada

issue 4204 | 01.26.06 | American Voices

Stephen Harper and his Conservative Party ousted Liberal Party incumbent Paul Martin in general elections. What do you think? more»
Bush Pictured With Abramoff

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | American Voices

According to a recent article in Time, scandal-tainted lobbyist Jack Abramoff has been pictured with President Bush on no fewer than six... more»
Attempted Murderer Gave It His Best Shot

issue 4204 | 01.31.06 | Radio
Clothing Catalog Creates Unrealistic Expectations For Shirts

issue 4204 | 01.30.06 | Radio
Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids

issue 4204 | 01.29.06 | Radio
National Pork Council: Many Americans Suffer From Pork Deficiency

issue 4204 | 01.28.06 | Radio
Report: Lab Monkeys 96 Percent More Likely To Use Cocaine Than Those In Wild

issue 4204 | 01.27.06 | Radio
Parent Company Hasn't Talked To Sister Corporation In Years

issue 4204 | 01.26.06 | Radio
U.S. Department Of Corruption Denies Right-Doing

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | Radio
Casual Friday Claims Lives Of 13 Nuclear-Waste-Disposal Technicians

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | News In Photos
Family Cell-Phone Plan Area Family's Closest Bond

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | News In Photos
Live Every Day As If You're Dying Of A Contagious Disease That Turns People You Bite Into Zombies

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | Commentary

Wake up, people! Life is not a spectator sport. It could all end tomorrow, and there are no second chances, unless of course you're bitten... more»
I Enjoy The Occasional Tranq Dart

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | Commentary

I'm a regular lowland gorilla like anybody else. And sometimes, at the end of a particularly frantic and rampaging day, I need a little... more»
Your Horoscope 4204

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | Horoscopes
Iran's Holocaust Conference

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | Infographic

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is planning a conference to assess the scale and validity of the Holocaust. What is the agenda for the meeting? more»
What's On The Site Of Our Childhood Home?

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | Statshot
If I Squint Hard Enough

issue 4204 | 01.27.06 | Sunday Magazine
January 23, 1973

issue 4204 | 01.25.06 | Onion In History

Henley, Frey Urge Nation To Take It Easy: Laid-Back Eagles Call For National Mellowing-Out Period more»
Super Bowl Only Circumstance Under Which Jerome Bettis Willing To Return To Detroit

issue 4204 | 01.26.06 | Photo Finish

At the AV Club: Best Music Of The '00s GA_googleFillSlot("100x12_avfocus");

From Our News Partners

The OnionConnect

Site Links

Email Dispatch

At the AV Club: Best Music Of The '00s