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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Aquarius: Next week, you and 3,244 other Eagles concertgoers will make the mistake of assuming someone else will bring the beach ball.

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Updates: Wednesday 1/25/06

American Voices

Bush Pictured With Abramoff

Young Woman
"Especially incriminating is the 1970 photo of the two men sitting near one another at an anti-Vietnam rally."


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1/25/06 10:01 AM

Onion Radio News

U.S. Department Of Corruption Denies Right-Doing

 

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1/25/06 5:49 AM

Onion Magazine

If I Squint Hard Enough

1/27/06 11:11 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • FARLEY, IA—While in his office, Jesse Wallace, the new good-looking janitor at Green Fields High School, was gazed at lovingly from the girls' locker room through the same peephole that led to the termination of the previous janitor.
  • BETHESDA, MD—After a contentious town-hall meeting, residents decided that they are ready to get off the fence and declared themselves a part of the Confederacy, thus belatedly tipping the scales of the Civil War in the South's favor.
  • NEW YORK—After three years of development, Scholastic abandoned their attempts to develop an overweight child wizard character for a series of children’s books in order to reach a greater audience than ever before.
1/31/06 7:25 AM

Stock Watch

Kallispell-Kaukakee-Kentucky Transport (KKK)

This solid interstate shipping company is blessed with good financial reports but has been hampered in recent days by its unfortunate ticker symbol.

1/25/06 7:40 AM
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