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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Aquarius: After your second night away from the comforts of home, you'll start to wonder if camping out in line to get into the new state park was really worth the trouble.

Opinion

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Updates: Wednesday 2/01/06

American Voices

State Of The Union

Old Woman
"I was glad to hear about the American Competitiveness Initiative, which will strengthen our children's future by doubling the nation's dodgeball budget."


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2/01/06 8:07 AM

Onion Radio News

Christian Porn Film Climaxes With Birth Of Child

 

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2/01/06 10:21 AM

Onion Magazine

The 100 Worst Senators

2/03/06 8:10 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • CALDWELL, WY—Considerate abuser Michael Watson, 35, asked his girlfriend Michelle Taylor, 28, if she has had enough.
  • APPLE VALLEY, MN—Record snowfalls have boosted the amount of fun had by area children, as well as the number of fatal heart attacks by shoveling adults, resulting in an upside-down scenario where kids rule the Minneapolis suburb.
  • VIOLA, DE—Classic-car enthusiasts and GLAAD members alike were horrified on Sunday when “God Hates Fags” was found spray-painted on a 1963 Chevrolet Impala Two-Door Hardtop Sport Coupe.
2/07/06 10:51 AM

Stock Watch

Amalgamated Glove And Slipper, Inc

As usual, this small company offset an entire year's mediocre performance by earning over $98 million in the 72 hours before Christmas, thanks to indifferent and unimaginative shoppers.

2/01/06 10:08 AM
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