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Hamas Calls For 'Giant Summit' With All Israelis

Hamas Calls For 'Giant Summit' With All Israelis RAMALLAH, WEST BANK—After his militant Islamic party took the majority in Palestine's recent elections, Ismail Haniyeh called for a "giant summit with all living Israelis" Monday, rekindling international hopes for peace in the war-torn region. ..

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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Aquarius: As the proud father of four healthy sons and one beautiful daughter, you will feel like the richest man in the world next week, after selling each for a hefty sum on the Bolivian black market.

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Bush's New Budget

Bush's New Budget

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Updates: Wednesday 2/15/06

American Voices

iPod Hearing Damage Lawsuit

 Old Woman
"I don't know if it causes hearing damage, but the ability to listen discreetly to White Lion has done major damage to my musical taste."


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2/15/06 6:50 AM

Onion Radio News

President Bush Escapes From Weekly Bath

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2/15/06 9:12 AM

National News Highlights

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  • FLAGSTAFF, AZ—12-year-old Flagstaff-based bully Lawrence Womack is hiding out at the local sandstone quarry because he wrecked up Nick's bike.
  • SIOUX CITY, IA—A piano recital for Mrs. Burr's 5-to-7 age group turned ugly when, during a rendition of "Goodbye, Old Paint," Madison Brann hit a B-flat instead of a C and was booed off stage.
  • PROVIDENCE, RI—Local scientists celebrated as they finally unveiled the first potato gun that could reach the Massachusetts border.
2/21/06 10:58 AM

Stock Watch

OrbitalKnife, Ltd

Stock price surged amidst rumors of an impending Pentagon contract after the company announced that they had successfully tested a satellite that could accurately stab targeted individuals from space.

2/15/06 6:04 AM

This Day In History

February 13, 1907

February 13, 1907

Pure Food And Drug Act Will Limit Human-Thumb Levels Permitted In Meats

2/14/06 8:42 AM
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