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February 20, 2006 - February 26, 2006 | Issue 42•08

Voices In Man's Head Make Great Point About Time Management

EAST LANSING, MI—Area resident Aaron Henschler, 25, is fearing for his very sanity. Known as an unorganized and often unreliable person, Henschler reports that in recent months, voices in his head have been making "pretty good points" about time management. "I must be seriously sick," the house-bo...

White House Had Prior Knowledge Of Cheney Threat

issue 4208 | 02.20.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Vice-presidential violence experts warn that Cheney-containment policies may be seriously flawed. more»
Army Of Identical Scientists Demands Legislative Support For Cloning

issue 4208 | 02.20.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Popular support for the controversial procedure is growing at an extraordinary and predetermined rate. more»
Girlfriend Dumped After Valentine-Candy-Related Weight Gain

issue 4208 | 02.20.06 | News

MONTCLAIR, NJ—The experience gave her boyfriend a terrifying, "out-of-nowhere" premonition of a lifetime of completed meals. more»
Latest Bin Laden Tape For Completists Only

issue 4208 | 02.20.06 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—CIA analyst Douglas Biryla advised the public at large to skip the latest video tape from fugitive Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden... more»
Alito Keeps Telling Supreme Court How They Did Things In Circuit Court

issue 4208 | 02.20.06 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Supreme Court sources say the "Third Circuit anecdotes" told by newest associate justice Samuel Alito are irritating his... more»
Everyone In Coffee Shop Billing For Their Time

issue 4208 | 02.20.06 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—All 17 customers at Chicago's Urn coffee shop were billing third parties for time spent there. "The people on laptops are web... more»
Father Doesn't Understand Teenage Son's Obsession With Classic Rock

issue 4208 | 02.20.06 | News In Brief

SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—Phil Poole, 42, said Monday that he is coming to grips with his 15-year-old son Carter's taste in music. "I thought he was... more»
George Jefferson Honored For Black Television History Month

issue 4208 | 02.20.06 | News In Brief

BURBANK, CA—George Jefferson, the gruff and opinionated African-American character who debuted on All In The Family in 1973, will... more»
Kobe Bryant Named As 2008 Olympic Basketball Team

issue 4208 | 02.23.06 | Sports News

PHOENIX—In a press conference Wednesday, USA Basketball managing director Jerry Colangelo announced that Kobe Bryant has been selected as... more»
Stealth Bomber Being Retired

issue 4208 | 02.28.06 | American Voices

The revolutionary $45 million nearly radar-invisible F-117A Nighthawk, better known as the Stealth Bomber, is being phased out of existence by the... more»
Disgraced Radio Shack CEO Forced To Step Down

issue 4208 | 02.27.06 | American Voices

David Edmondson, CEO of Radio Shack, resigned when it was revealed that he had falsified his résumé. What do you think? more»
Study: Low-Fat Diet Doesn't Lower Heart Disease

issue 4208 | 02.24.06 | American Voices

The findings of a new study show that low-fat diets do not reduce risk of cancer or heart disease. What do you think? more»
$1.6 Billion On White House PR

issue 4208 | 02.23.06 | American Voices

According to the Government Accountability Office, the Bush Administration spent $1.6 billion in public relations and advertising in the past 30... more»
Arab Protection Of U.S. Ports

issue 4208 | 02.22.06 | American Voices

Many are voicing concern over Bush’s recent approval of a deal allowing a company based in the United Arab Emirates, who had ties to the Sept. 11... more»
Long-Time Recreational Eater Turns Pro

issue 4208 | 02.28.06 | Radio
Area Man To Give Funny T-Shirt Business A Shot

issue 4208 | 02.27.06 | Radio
Scientists Say Lifelike Pleasure-Bot Nowhere Near Tested Enough

issue 4208 | 02.26.06 | Radio
Vanquished Foe's Skull Makes Surprisingly Bad Wine Goblet

issue 4208 | 02.25.06 | Radio
Man Dismembered After Dying On Dominatrix's Torture Rack Would Have Wanted It That Way

issue 4208 | 02.24.06 | Radio
Lord Answers Bible-Camp Counselor's Prayer For Safe And Enjoyable Hike

issue 4208 | 02.23.06 | Radio
Bush Defends U.S. Baby-Monitoring Program

issue 4208 | 02.22.06 | Radio
Giant Bass Hates Having Picture Taken

issue 4208 | 02.20.06 | News In Photos
Betty Friedan Honored With Second-Class Postage Stamp

issue 4208 | 02.20.06 | News In Photos
I'm Totally Gonna Get Laid On This Humanitarian Mission To Uganda

issue 4208 | 02.20.06 | Commentary

In less than 72 hours, I'll be touching down in Kampala, on my way to the shores of Lake Victoria, aka poontang heaven. My Peace... more»
Life Is Too Precious To Be Enjoyed

issue 4208 | 02.20.06 | Commentary

When I look back on my 61 years, I sometimes think, "If only I had taken the time to really experience everything out there, I would probably... more»
Youe Horoscope

issue 4208 | 02.20.06 | Horoscopes
FEMA's Disaster-Preparedness Changes

issue 4208 | 02.20.06 | Infographic
Abandoned Municipal Projects

issue 4208 | 02.20.06 | Statshot
Please Stop Casting Me

issue 4208 | 02.24.06 | Sunday Magazine
February 20, 1947

issue 4208 | 02.22.06 | Onion In History

'Tele-Vision' Promises Mass Enrichment of Mankind more»
Voice Of The Red Sox Ends 86-Year Living Streak

issue 4208 | 02.23.06 | Photo Finish

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