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February 27, 2006 - March 5, 2006 | Issue 42•09

New Wool Blanket Tears Commune Apart

CARIBOU, ME—Residents of the recently disbanded intentional-living community Harmony's Path said Monday that disputes concerning the shared use of a homemade wool blanket caused the utopian society's rapid undoing. "We wanted to create a community of peace and social justice based on the elimination of personal property," charter member Michael Schoenkamp said. "However, some of us—particularly those who refused to obey the 'charter members have the blanket at night due to the cold' rule— lost the...

Rotation Of Earth Plunges Entire North American Continent Into Darkness

issue 4209 | 02.27.06 | News

NEW YORK—Citizens were urged to wait out the phenomenon that scientists described as "utterly beyond human control." more»
Democrats Vow Not To Give Up Hopelessness

issue 4209 | 02.27.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—In the face of seemingly insurmountable advantages, Sen. Reid assured his party, "We can lose this." more»
Modern-Day John Henry Dies Trying To Out-Spreadsheet Excel 11.0

issue 4209 | 02.27.06 | News

BALTIMORE, MD—As he defeated the software, accountant Wallace Peters raised his head with pride, then just laid his pencil down and died. more»
Copy Editor's Revenge Takes Form Of Unhyphenated Word

issue 4209 | 02.27.06 | News In Brief

BOSTON—Bruce Huntoon, a copy editor at Pilot magazine, intentionally did not correct the copy of columnist Justin Mann Monday. "I am... more»
Kennedy Center To Dishonor Gilbert Gottfried

issue 4209 | 02.27.06 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts announced that it would dishonor comedian Gilbert Gottfried for his longtime... more»
Christian Rock Uninspired

issue 4209 | 02.27.06 | News In Brief

BEATRICE, NE—Here Comes The Son (Of God), the latest album by Christian rock band Fisherz Of Men, is being panned by Nebraska... more»
National Weather Service To Give Hurricanes Full Names

issue 4209 | 02.27.06 | News In Brief

SILVER SPRING, MD—The National Weather Service announced Friday that, in response to the increasing number of hurricanes, it is revising its... more»
Chris Penn's Body Double Really Letting Self Go

issue 4209 | 02.27.06 | News In Brief

LOS ANGELES—Friends say Dennis Sierpinski, who worked as Chris Penn's body double until the actor's untimely death last month, has been... more»
Report: Vince Young May Not Be Smart Enough To Play In NFL

issue 4209 | 03.02.06 | Sports News

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—After scoring a reported 6 on his first attempt at the Wonderlic intelligence test at last week's NFL combine, draft... more»
Japanese Cars On Top

issue 4209 | 03.07.06 | American Voices

Every automobile in Consumer Reports’ list of the top 10 cars in the U.S. is Japanese-made. What do you think? more»
Bush Knew About Katrina

issue 4209 | 03.06.06 | American Voices

In spite of his assertions to the contrary, reports say that Bush was informed of the worst-case scenario surrounding Hurricane Katrina, and was... more»
Sex Pistols Shun Rock Honor

issue 4209 | 03.03.06 | American Voices

The Sex Pistols are refusing to play at the ceremony during which they will be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. What do you... more»
Google Losing Steam

issue 4209 | 03.02.06 | American Voices

Google recently suffered a 13% percent drop in stock price, the sharpest drop in the history of the company. What do you think? more»
South Dakota Abortion Ban

issue 4209 | 03.01.06 | American Voices

South Dakota is poised to enact an abortion ban that would include cases of rape or incest. What do you think? more»
United Airlines Flight Crew Hits Up Passengers For Gas Money

issue 4209 | 03.07.06 | Radio
Hit Man Stumbles On Totally New Way To Kill

issue 4209 | 03.06.06 | Radio
57 Lawmakers Feared Dead In Senate Mine Disaster

issue 4209 | 03.05.06 | Radio
Street-Smart Teen Dies In Library

issue 4209 | 03.04.06 | Radio
Terrorist Recruitment Far Outpaces Army Recruitment

issue 4209 | 03.03.06 | Radio
Coca-Cola Scholarship Just 15 Cases Of Coke

issue 4209 | 03.02.06 | Radio
Scientists Combine 20 Tiny Dogs To Make Reasonably Sized Dog

issue 4209 | 03.01.06 | Radio
Philippine Mud Wins In Landslide

issue 4209 | 02.28.06 | News In Photos
Children's Hospital Charity Dependent On Teri Hatcher's Knowledge Of British Parliament

issue 4209 | 02.28.06 | News In Photos
Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus?

issue 4209 | 02.28.06 | Commentary

People often ask me when they should teach the Good News to their housecats. I have but one answer: "What are you waiting for?" A... more»
I Can Write 600 Words About Anything

issue 4209 | 02.28.06 | Commentary

Let's see now, where to begin... In life, every single person belonging to the Homo sapien species—be that person man... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4209 | 02.28.06 | Horoscopes
Nick Lachey's Divorce Conditions

issue 4209 | 02.28.06 | Infographic
Top Off-Brands

issue 4209 | 02.28.06 | Statshot
Books: What's All The Buzz About?

issue 4209 | 03.03.06 | Sunday Magazine
March 4, 1997

issue 4209 | 02.28.06 | Onion In History

Federal Seat Of Power Moves To Mall Of America more»
Fidel Castro Planning To Defect During World Baseball Classic

issue 4209 | 03.01.06 | Photo Finish

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