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This Week’s Horoscopes

Pisces: After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt and short-lived climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller-coaster for the first time, you finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.

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Updates: Wednesday 3/01/06

American Voices

South Dakota Abortion Ban

Black Man
"This shouldn't have much effect on the lives of South Dakotans. Based on the population figures, it's clear that they are terrible reproducers."


More American Voices

3/01/06 10:15 AM

Onion Magazine

Sunday Magazine image

3/03/06 12:15 PM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • NEWPORT NEWS, VA—Used-car salesman Peter Tavers grossly misinterpreted the old adage "sex sells" when his 30-second television spot ran with two dogs copulating furiously in the background.
  • MIAMI, FL—A local man woke up to the dawning terror that he was still Scott Stapp, former lead singer of the band Creed.
  • PLUTE, UT—Grocers at the Red Basket Market walked off the job today over a salary dispute, but soon after had to return, since the store is the only purveyor of food within 100 miles.
3/07/06 5:55 AM

Stock Watch

Stockwatch 3-1-2006

This niche manufacturer of goods into which enraged predators have been baked took another loss this week due to low demand, production difficulties, and their almost certain involvement in the birthday-party mauling of Chicago's Mike McCaskey.

3/01/06 5:44 AM

This Day In History

Onion In History - 4 March 1997

March 4, 1997

Federal Seat Of Power Moves To Mall Of America

2/28/06 10:03 AM
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