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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Pisces: You will make a lasting impression this week after accidentally falling into a tar pit, the effect of which will leave a perfect fossil relief of your panicked and writhing body for centuries to come.

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Updates: Wednesday 3/08/06

American Voices

Army Recruitment On Campus

Young Woman
"So...exactly how much do you have to endow for permission to raise an army?"


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3/08/06 9:25 AM

Onion Radio News

Democrats Get A Whole New Look For Spring

 

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3/08/06 5:26 AM

Onion Magazine

Sunday Magazine

3/10/06 8:47 AM

National News Highlights

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  • PAWLET, VT—Paul Jacobsen, the town's sole effeminate male, spent the night carefully crafting a comment on Vermont's civil unions that would not make him seem gay.
  • BETHESDA, MD—Government scientists secretly met at the Bethesda Marriott with a plan to get strippers, but chickened out and just traded stem-cell strands instead.
  • FAYETTEVILLE, AR—19-year-old Jerry Ashworth struggled to convey to his friends that he had viewed the film Saw II as well.
3/14/06 5:08 AM

Stock Watch

Stockwatch 3-8-2006

Analysts are bullish on this maker of fun, edible wigs for children undergoing chemotherapy following reports of a radiation leak at New York’s Indian Point nuclear facility.

3/08/06 11:29 AM

This Day In History

March 8, 1953

March 8, 1953

New Medical Report Finds Heavy Petting Linked to Communism

3/07/06 9:44 AM
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