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March 13, 2006 - March 19, 2006 | Issue 42•11

Landscaper Waiting For Career-Defining Lawn

COLUMBIA, MO—Landscaper Kevin Larson announced Monday that, while he has enjoyed working as part of ensemble crews on smaller, low-budget projects, he is looking for a breakout lawn that will place him in the top tier of Columbia's lawn-care industry. Larson broke into the business six years ago with...

Poverty-Stricken Africans Receive Desperately Needed Bibles

issue 4211 | 03.13.06 | News

MARADI, NIGER—Living Light Ministries spared no expense to feed the emaciated souls of the world's most famished people. more»
New Poll Finds 86 Percent Of Americans Don't Want To Have A Country Anymore

issue 4211 | 03.13.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Few respondents expressed strong feelings, but most thought dissolving the union would "be a lot easier for everyone." more»
Conspiracy Theorist Has Elaborate Explanation For Why He's Single

issue 4211 | 03.13.06 | News

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Robert Ericsson's 18-page manifesto implicates "dozens, possibly hundreds of women in several countries." more»
Marketing Scientists Successfully Map The Human Heartstrings

issue 4211 | 03.13.06 | News In Brief

GERMANTOWN, MD—Scientists at the National Research Center For The Study Of Comparative Marketing announced Monday that they have completed a... more»
Report: Many Jobs Lack Benefits To Cut

issue 4211 | 03.13.06 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—According to a report published in the February issue of Forbes magazine, employers are reporting difficulty finding job... more»
Captor, Captive Have Different Senses Of Humor

issue 4211 | 03.13.06 | News In Brief

BAGHDAD—Volunteer aid worker Roy Rodriguez, 23, and the man who keeps him caged in a basement in suburban Baghdad have very different senses... more»
Bush Increasingly Focused On How Revisionist History Will See Him

issue 4211 | 03.13.06 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—With many of his administration's policies facing growing public disapproval, President Bush is reportedly becoming more... more»
Kent State Basketball Team Massacred By Ohio National Guard In Repeat Of Classic 1970 Matchup

issue 4211 | 03.16.06 | Sports News

KENT, OH—History and tragedy repeated themselves on the Kent State campus Thursday as 12th-seeded MAC champion Kent State Golden Flashes... more»
South Park vs. Scientology

issue 4211 | 03.21.06 | American Voices

Following the departure of Isaac Hayes last week, Comedy Central pulled an episode of South Park that lampooned Tom Cruise and... more»
Bush Pressed To Change Staff

issue 4211 | 03.20.06 | American Voices

President Bush has been under pressure from both parties to reinvigorate his office by bringing in new, more experienced staff members. What do... more»
Terrorist Hero Of New Film

issue 4211 | 03.17.06 | American Voices

Terrorist Hero Of New Film V For Vendetta, a film produced by the Wachowski brothers in which the hero is a terrorist who blows up the... more»
Feingold Calls For Bush Censure

issue 4211 | 03.16.06 | American Voices

Sen. Russ Feingold (D-WI) is calling for a censure of the president for illegal wiretapping. What do you think? more»
Ambien Increasingly Blamed for Auto Accidents

issue 4211 | 03.15.06 | American Voices

According to police reports nationwide, the popular prescription sleep aid Ambien is being cited in increasing numbers of traffic tickets and... more»
Doctor Slipped A Twenty

issue 4211 | 03.21.06 | Radio
White House Reporter Asks How Many Mountain Dews The President Slams A Day

issue 4211 | 03.20.06 | Radio
Slain Cop Had Only 37 Years Until Retirement

issue 4211 | 03.19.06 | Radio
Sophomore Senator Can't Wait To Move Out Of Congressional Housing

issue 4211 | 03.18.06 | Radio
New Car Alarm Attacks Thieves' Self-Esteem

issue 4211 | 03.17.06 | Radio
Child Raised By Wolves Released Back Into Wild

issue 4211 | 03.16.06 | Radio
New Hubble Peephole Can See Into Women's Showers

issue 4211 | 03.15.06 | Radio
World's Most Advanced Yo-Yo Doesn't Need You

issue 4211 | 03.13.06 | News In Photos
Pet's Death Text Messaged

issue 4211 | 03.13.06 | News In Photos
I Wonder What Kind Of Message I'm Sending To The Troops

issue 4211 | 03.13.06 | Commentary

I support the troops from the bottom of my heart. But my question is, do they know that? What if I'm somehow sending them the wrong... more»
You Haven't Watched Television Until You've Done It At My House

issue 4211 | 03.13.06 | Commentary

Are you busy tonight? Just going to curl up at home and watch a little teev? I mean TV. I call it teev, because when you have a sweet setup like... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4211 | 03.13.06 | Horoscopes
New Methods of Capital Punishment

issue 4211 | 03.13.06 | Infographic
Overlooked Brilliant Ideas

issue 4211 | 03.13.06 | Statshot
"Who The Fuck Do I Think I Am?"

issue 4211 | 03.17.06 | Sunday Magazine
March 14, 1945

issue 4211 | 03.13.06 | Onion In History

Our First Lesbian President more»
Jamal Lewis Wants To Finish Career In Prison

issue 4211 | 03.16.06 | Photo Finish

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