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March 17, 2006 - March 23, 2006 | Issue 42•12

Pedophile Less Interested The More He Views 13-Year-Old's MySpace Profile

LONGVIEW, TX—Area pedophile Dwight Sanderson said Monday that his interest in getting to know and eventually meeting MySpace.com member "Courtneee" has significantly declined after a closer read of the "lame" hobbies and "self-involved" blog...

Rumsfeld: Iraqis Now Capable Of Conducting War Without U.S. Assistance

issue 4212 | 03.17.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—The defense secretary praised an endless supply of Iraqi forces for "fighting like you wouldn't believe." more»
Soup Kitchen Thinks It Can Solve The World's Problems With Soup

issue 4212 | 03.17.06 | News

BALTIMORE—Delusion and denial are common ingredients among volunteers who refuse to acknowledge the futility of their labor. more»
Study: High Times Not A Gateway Magazine To Harder Readings

issue 4212 | 03.17.06 | News

NEW YORK—In spite of the long-held "gateway magazine" theory, High Times readers are unlikely to rummage through Scientific American. more»
Franz Ferdinand Frontman Shot By Gavrilo Princip Bassist

issue 4212 | 03.17.06 | News In Brief

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND—Lead singer and guitarist for pop band Franz Ferdinand, Alexander Kapranos, is in critical condition today after being shot... more»
Terrorism Fan Site Full Of Spoilers

issue 4212 | 03.17.06 | News In Brief

AMMAN, JORDAN—The terrorism fan website AintItCruelNews.com has come under fire for publishing "spoilers" that give away future terrorist... more»
Man Just Using Virgin Mary To Get To Jesus

issue 4212 | 03.17.06 | News In Brief

TUPELO, MS—The Blessed Mother Mary said Monday that devout Catholic Anthony Montero is simply praying to her as a way to get to her... more»
Chicken Feeling Better

issue 4212 | 03.17.06 | News In Brief

DILLON, SC—A chicken at Perdue Farms' Dillon plant downplayed reports of illness Tuesday, saying she was feeling much better. "I might have... more»
Constructionist Supreme Court To Revisit Women's Suffrage

issue 4212 | 03.17.06 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—The Supreme Court, demonstrating its new constructionist leaning since the appointment of Justice Samuel Alito, will re-examine... more»
World Leaders Urge Condoleezza Rice To Take NFL Commissioner's Job

issue 4212 | 03.23.06 | Sports News

WASHINGTON, DC—With longtime NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue recently announcing that he will retire in July, political leaders across the... more»
Scholarships Going To Whites

issue 4212 | 03.28.06 | American Voices

Colleges are now considering white students for fellowships and scholarships that were previously available only to minorities. What do you... more»
Microsoft Vista Delayed

issue 4212 | 03.27.06 | American Voices

Microsoft Vista, the first major overhaul of the Windows operating system in five years, has been delayed until the beginning of next year. What do... more»
Reactors Contaminate Groundwater

issue 4212 | 03.24.06 | American Voices

Two nuclear reactors, Indian Point near New York and the Braidwood facility near Chicago, have released radioactive tritium into the groundwater.... more»
U.S. House Hardly Working

issue 4212 | 03.23.06 | American Voices

To date, the House of Representatives has worked less than 25 days this year. What do you think? more»
NBC Universal Buying iVillage

issue 4212 | 03.22.06 | American Voices

Media giant NBC Universal recently paid $600 million for iVillage, an Internet company catering to women. What do you think? more»
President Bush Designates 1 Million Acres For Federally Protected Water Parks

issue 4212 | 03.28.06 | Radio
Teen Vows Never To Follow In His Father's Incredibly Successful Footsteps

issue 4212 | 03.27.06 | Radio
NBC To Add Dateline: Flursday

issue 4212 | 03.26.06 | Radio
Area Man Wants Something Made Out Of Titanium

issue 4212 | 03.25.06 | Radio
Greenspan Kicks Off Seventy-City Farewell Tour

issue 4212 | 03.24.06 | Radio
New Senate Bill Tests Through The Roof

issue 4212 | 03.23.06 | Radio
Firearms Enthusiast Can't Believe He Has Actual Desert Eagle Pointed At His Head

issue 4212 | 03.22.06 | Radio
Suspect Cleans Up Real Nice

issue 4212 | 03.17.06 | News In Photos
Hanes Introduces New No-Way Panties

issue 4212 | 03.17.06 | News In Photos
We Can No Longer Sustain This Level Of Interest In Current Events

issue 4212 | 03.17.06 | Commentary

America is a great nation, a proud nation rich in resources and ingenuity. But the same resources that have fueled the engine of its... more»
Who Would Leave A Perfectly Good Fabric Softener Sample In My Mailbox?

issue 4212 | 03.17.06 | Commentary

Earlier this week, I pulled a strange little plastic envelope from my mailbox: a packet of liquid fabric softener, intact and seemingly... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4212 | 03.17.06 | Horoscopes
Sopranos Season Six Surprises

issue 4212 | 03.17.06 | Infographic
Least Fondly Remembered Candy

issue 4212 | 03.17.06 | Statshot
The Hidden Buddhist Threat In Our Midst

issue 4212 | 03.24.06 | Sunday Magazine
March 25, 1989

issue 4212 | 03.20.06 | Onion In History

Bush Decries Exxon Valdez Spillage of 'Precious, Precious Oil' more»
Line Drive That Broke Johnny Pesky's Leg Ruled Fair

issue 4212 | 03.23.06 | Photo Finish

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