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Dove Campaign For Real Beauty Announces 2008 Presidential Candidate

Julie WASHINGTON, DC—The Dove Campaign For Real Beauty formally announced Monday its 2008 nominee for president, 28-year-old Julie, a size 10.

"My self-esteemed colleagues, American voters come in all shapes and sizes. When you vote for me, you vote for a c...

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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Aries: You've long seen yourself as a cog in a larger machine, but that will change next week when a cheaper cog from Mexico is shipped in to reduce the cost of packing frozen breakfast sausages.

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Moussaoui Trial Mishaps

Moussaoui Trial Mishaps

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Updates: Wednesday 3/29/06

American Voices

Chief Of Staff Resigns

 Old Woman
"Without a chief of staff, who will hand out checks on Friday?"


More American Voices

3/29/06 8:21 AM

Onion Magazine

America's Worthless Old Sheds

3/31/06 12:26 PM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • HORSHAM, PA—As per usual, Paul Sheridan's craving for Outback Steakhouse surged during a television ad preceding Jimmy Kimmel Live but dissipated the next day during the restaurant's normal business hours.
  • DULUTH, MN—Residents are calling it a "mild winter," with less than five people going insane and only eight suicides in the past four months.
  • ANAHEIM, CA—Waiting in line for tickets to Disneyland, Serbian emigrant Emir Kasparovic was amazed to recognize an Albanian who once pistol-whipped him in a ditch in Grozny.
4/04/06 9:37 AM

Stock Watch

stockwatch_032906.jpg

Stock in this Austin-based acquisition concern rose today following Troy's finally scoring the awesome centaur-looking combo version of Baron Karza.

3/29/06 12:18 PM
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