Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

March 29, 2006 - April 4, 2006 | Issue 42•13

Sitcom Writer On Deathbed Thinks Of All The Zany Plots He'll Never Write

BURBANK, CA—Days after doctors at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center told him he had less than two months to live, sitcom writer Joey Kaplan expressed regret that he never accomplished all he could...

Dove Campaign For Real Beauty Announces 2008 Presidential Candidate

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—At 28 years old and size 10, Julie needs only America's "nonjudgmental support" to fulfill her presidential dream. more»
WWE: Illegal Mexican Wrestlers Taking Smackdowns American Wrestlers Don't Want

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | News

STAMFORD, CT—Vince McMahon praised the immigrants for enduring "grueling, bone-crunching maneuvers" that domestic wrestlers shun. more»
Raccoons Force Garage Band Into Attic

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | News

GREENVILLE, NC—The increasingly aggressive invaders proved resistant to power chords, mothballs, and flying drumsticks. more»
Science-Fiction Novel Posits Future Where Characters Are Hastily Sketched

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | News In Brief

OREGON CITY, OR—Science fiction author Morgan Richards announced Monday completion of his long-awaited novel, Zeppelins Of Phobos. The... more»
Joel Siegel 'Absolutely Loved' Dream He Had Last Night

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Good Morning America film critic Joel Siegel "absolutely loved" the dream he had last night, he announced today. "A... more»
Alternative-Medicine Practitioner Refuses Alternative Method Of Payment

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | News In Brief

PORTLAND, OR—Alternative-medicine practitioner Annabeth Severin, a Portland-area acupuncturist and holistic healer, announced Tuesday that she... more»
Two Hipsters Angrily Call Each Other 'Hipster'

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—An argument between local hipsters Dan Walters and Brian Guterman has devolved to the point where each is angrily calling the other... more»
Steinbrenner Names Johnny Damon As New Yankee Scapegoat

issue 4213 | 03.30.06 | Sports News

NEW YORK—Continuing a Yankee tradition that dates back to the teams of the early '80s, owner George Steinbrenner formally appointed recently... more»
Naomi Campbell Assaults Maid

issue 4213 | 04.04.06 | American Voices

Supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested for throwing a phone at a housekeeper, making this her third assault accusation to date. What do you... more»
Abramoff Gets 70 Months

issue 4213 | 04.03.06 | American Voices

Corrupt lobbyist Jack Abramoff was sentenced to 70 months in prison for his role in defrauding Indian tribes, tax evasion, and conspiracy to bribe... more»
Graceland Designated A National Landmark

issue 4213 | 03.31.06 | American Voices

Graceland, the home of Elvis Presley, was recently designated a National Historic Landmark by the U.S. Department of Interior. What do you... more»
33 Injured In Airbus Evacuation Drill

issue 4213 | 03.30.06 | American Voices

33 participants were injured Sunday in an evacuation drill of the new Airbus super-jumbo jet. What do you think? more»
Chief Of Staff Resigns

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | American Voices

White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card resigned yesterday. What do you think? more»
Prayer To God Loaded With Reverse Psychology

issue 4213 | 04.04.06 | Radio
Entire Oil Rig Searches For Lost Pizza Cutter

issue 4213 | 04.03.06 | Radio
Man Accidently Ends Business Call With 'I Love You'

issue 4213 | 04.02.06 | Radio
Judge Orders God To Break Up Into Smaller Deities

issue 4213 | 04.01.06 | Radio
Brass Section Sucking Up To Conductor Again

issue 4213 | 03.31.06 | Radio
Species Makes Unwelcome Comeback

issue 4213 | 03.30.06 | Radio
International Petty Art Thief Steals Hotel-Room Painting

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | Radio
Controversial Christian Faction Believes Jesus Was Nailed To Two Parallel Pieces Of Wood

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | News In Photos
New Numeric Boggle Challenges Players To Find Integers

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | News In Photos
No Canoe Can Hold Me

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | Commentary

Care to take a relaxing, uneventful canoe trip down the lazy river, the sights and sounds of nature soothing you? Want the warm midday sun... more»
It's Funny How What You're Saying Relates To My Novel

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | Commentary

I'm tremendously sorry about your split with your husband. At the same time, I must confess, had your situation been presented to me as a piece... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | Horoscopes
Moussaoui Trial Mishaps

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | Infographic
Who Are We Rooting For?

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | Statshot
America's Worthless Old Sheds

issue 4213 | 03.31.06 | Sunday Magazine
March 28, 1983

issue 4213 | 03.29.06 | Onion In History

Nancy Reagan Ends Nation's Drug Problem with Very Special Diff'rent Strokes Appearance more»
Spring-Training Brawls Reveal Red Sox Not Ready For Regular-Season Brawls

issue 4213 | 03.30.06 | Photo Finish

At the AV Club: Best Music Of The '00s GA_googleFillSlot("100x12_avfocus");

From Our News Partners

The OnionConnect

Site Links

Email Dispatch

At the AV Club: Best Music Of The '00s