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April 5, 2006 - April 11, 2006 | Issue 42•14

Entire Train Ride Spent Deciding If, When To Use Bathroom

NEW HAVEN, CT—Commuter Michael Broberg boarded Metro-North Railroad's 8:37 p.m. train on Monday with one objective: to find a vacant bathroom in one of the train's seven cars and relieve himself in it. Unforeseen obstacles, however, forced him to continually revise and reevaluate this plan...

Girls Gone Wild Released Back Into Civilization

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | News

SOUTH PADRE ISLAND, TX—The Wild Life Rescue Foundation continues to restrict the girls' access to D-List celebrities and songs by Poison. more»
Detroit Sold For Scrap

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | News

DETROIT—Mayor Kwame M. Kilpatrick decided to "act now, while we can still get a little something for it." more»
Critics Blast Bush For Not Praying Hard Enough

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | News

WASHINGTON, DC—Scandals, war and high gas prices have prompted many to wonder if the much-touted Bush-God alliance is unraveling. more»
Tom DeLay To Pursue Corruption In Private Sector

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | News In Brief

STAFFORD, TX—Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, who is facing several ethics violations and felony charges, announced Tuesday that he... more»
Area Woman Always Has Something Quirky To Do

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | News In Brief

PHILADELPHIA—When not reviving Victorian hair jewelry or double-dutch jump-roping with friends in a local park, Gemma Waite, 29, is up to... more»
Woman Finds Imperfect Mate At Outlet Mall

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | News In Brief

CLINTON, CT—Joan Cruzan, a 39-year-old graphic designer and frequent factory outlet shopper, discovered her imperfect mate at the Clinton... more»
Goddamn Findings Fail To Support Researcher's Hypothesis

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | News In Brief

LANCASTER, CA—Test data on superconductivity in aligned-crystal bismuth-mercury ceramics failed to support physicist Charles Antonini's... more»
Earth Passed Over For Invasion

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | News In Brief

BETA QUADRANT, ZGYXA—Nearly 200,000 hostile aliens from the planet Zgyxa skipped invading Earth Monday, saying it "does not seem worth the... more»
Duke University Equestrian Team Hoping To Avoid Investigation Into Their Sex Scandal

issue 4214 | 04.06.06 | Sports News

DURHAM, NC—Mere weeks after members of their university's lacrosse team were accused of sexually assaulting exotic dancers, ranking Duke... more»
Couric Leaving Today

issue 4214 | 04.11.06 | American Voices

Katie Couric is leaving the Today Show to host CBS Evening News. What do you think? more»
First 9/11 Film Coming

issue 4214 | 04.10.06 | American Voices

United 93, a film about the hijacked United flight that crashed in a Pennsylvania field on Sept. 11, 2001, will make its debut at the... more»
First Brazilian In Space

issue 4214 | 04.07.06 | American Voices

Lt. Col. Marcos Pontes, the first Brazilian astronaut, is due to return from his brief mission tomorrow. What do you think? more»
Moussaoui May Be Executed

issue 4214 | 04.06.06 | American Voices

A federal jury reached the verdict that Zacarias Moussaoui, the alleged 20th Sept. 11 hijacker, is eligible for the death penalty. What do... more»
Tom DeLay Resigns

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | American Voices

Amidst mounting accusations and criminal charges of ethics violations, former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay announced yesterday that he is... more»
Secretary Of Transportation Reports He Was Just About To Say That

issue 4214 | 04.11.06 | Radio
Four Careers Killed In Film Shooting

issue 4214 | 04.10.06 | Radio
Scotland More Relaxed When Sean Connery Is Away

issue 4214 | 04.09.06 | Radio
God Re-Floods Middle East

issue 4214 | 04.08.06 | Radio
Emoticon Typo Commits Area Woman To Second Date

issue 4214 | 04.07.06 | Radio
357 Maharishis Missing, Feared Dead In Astral Plane Crash

issue 4214 | 04.06.06 | Radio
Breakthrough Dialysis Machine Can Do Work Of 10 Kidneys

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | Radio
Eager Understudy Beginning To Think John Lithgow Impervious To Disease

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | News In Photos
Delicate Pastry Not Made For This World

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | News In Photos
I'm So Stoked About M:I:3's Marketing Campaign

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | Commentary

Few marketing campaign experiences have earned a place in my heart quite like the adrenaline-charged series of ads for the first... more»
My Adopted Daughter Is The Most Beautiful Child In The Third World

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | Commentary

After months of hoping, praying, and waiting, we learned this week that our adoption of three-year-old Xuan was finally approved, and we'll... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | Horoscopes
New Religious Fiction

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | Infographic
How Are We Softening The Blow?

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | Statshot
Heterosexual Men's Fashion

issue 4214 | 04.07.06 | Sunday Magazine
April 4, 1965

issue 4214 | 04.05.06 | Onion In History

One Million Teen-Age Girls Stricken in Beatlenemia Epidemic more»
NBA Names New Foul After Rasheed Wallace

issue 4214 | 04.06.06 | Photo Finish

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