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April 19, 2006 - April 25, 2006 | Issue 42•16

Childbirth To Be Area Woman's Least Painful Interaction With Daughter

SCHENECTADY, NY—The near-indescribable pain of a 30-hour labor and the passing of an eight-pound infant through her birth canal will, over time, prove to be the least agonizing part of Virginia...

Drunk Will Show You, Everybody

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | News

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Inebriated orator Todd Stenerud called the occasion the first time he had ever told the truth to anyone. more»
iTunes To Sell You Your Home Videos For $1.99 Each

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | News

CUPERTINO, CA—From the moment you record them, your most cherished home videos will be only a mouse click away. more»
Beaver Overthinking Dam

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | News

HUNTSVILLE, ONTARIO—Not content with functionalism, beaver Dennis Messner strives for integration-minded post-modernism. more»
Sound of Children's Laughter Music To Disney Focus-Group Leader's Ears

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | News In Brief

BURBANK, CA—Mary Herndon loves the joyful sound of children's laughter almost as much as the gross profits it will bring, the presentation... more»
Compliment Of Pants Sounds Suspiciously Like Intent To Steal Them

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | News In Brief

AUSTIN, TX—The praise leveled at record-store clerk Anton Eklund's tweed pants by longtime friend Bernard Woelters sounds suspiciously like... more»
Pope Benedict Asks If It's Too Late To Change Name

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | News In Brief

VATICAN CITY—Only a year after ascending to the papacy, Pope Benedict XVI is appealing the College of Cardinals for a name change. "Benedict... more»
Obese Doctors Urge Nation To Eat Three Meals A Meal

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | News In Brief

CHICAGO—A coalition of morbidly obese physicians recommended Monday that Americans eat at least three full meals per meal, with particular... more»
NAACP Calls For More Diversity In Police Lineups

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | News In Brief

BALTIMORE—The NAACP challenged U.S. law enforcement agencies Monday to promote diversity by providing a broader spectrum of ethnicities in... more»
Pedro Martinez Credits Success To Lucky Midget, Sun God, Magic Beads

issue 4216 | 04.20.06 | Sports News

NEW YORK—In an interview following his 200th career win Monday night, Mets pitcher Pedro Martinez said he never could have reached this... more»
Bush Promotes Hydrogen As Alternative Fuel Source

issue 4216 | 04.25.06 | American Voices

President Bush gave an Earth Day address in California reaffirming his commitment to hydrogen as the alternative fuel of the future. What do... more»
Many More Chernobyl Victims?

issue 4216 | 04.24.06 | American Voices

A new Greenpeace report argues that 10 times as many people died from the Chernobyl disaster than official estimates claimed at the time. What do... more»
TomKitten's Silent Birth

issue 4216 | 04.21.06 | American Voices

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' daughter Suri was born Tuesday under Scientology's strict "silent birth" guidelines. What do you think? more»
Former Illinois Governor Found Guilty Of Fraud

issue 4216 | 04.20.06 | American Voices

Former Illinois Governor George Ryan was found guilty of racketeering and fraud for steering big money contracts to friends, family and cronies.... more»
Rumsfeld Under Attack

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | American Voices

Donald Rumsfeld is under pressure to resign, first by a cadre of retired generals, now by Senior Democrats for his handling of the war. What do... more»
Asteroid Crashes Earth Day Celebration, Leaving Millions Dead

issue 4216 | 04.25.06 | Radio
Lazy Scientists Discover New Cable Channel

issue 4216 | 04.24.06 | Radio
Fat Family Has Fat Pets

issue 4216 | 04.23.06 | Radio
Expanding Universe Could Allow For 750 Quadrillion More Blockbuster Locations

issue 4216 | 04.22.06 | Radio
President's Desire To View Opinion Polls Reaches New Low

issue 4216 | 04.21.06 | Radio
Dry Cleaner Breaks One-Hour Martinizing Barrier

issue 4216 | 04.20.06 | Radio
Area Islamic Militant All Talk

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | Radio
Sniper School Gets To Have Class On Roof Today

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | News In Photos
Fridge Magnet Pushed To Limits

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | News In Photos
Baby, You Mean The World Of Warcraft To Me

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | Commentary

Come on, honey, why do you have to be like that? You know that you're my Elven princess. My one and only. I would dare say that there is no... more»
This Chemical Imbalance In My Brain Is Driving Me Crazy

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | Commentary

Have you ever been standing in line at the bank for so long that you feel like you're going to explode—just completely flip out?... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | Horoscopes
New MySpace Security Measures

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | Infographic
How Are We Spending Our Tax Refunds?

issue 4216 | 04.06.09 | Statshot
America's Co-hosts

issue 4216 | 04.21.06 | Sunday Magazine
April 19, 1981

issue 4216 | 04.19.06 | Onion In History

Texas Instruments Continues Domination of Personal-Computing Field more»
Dolphin Stadium Installs World's Largest HDTV So Fans Can Watch Some Decent Football

issue 4216 | 04.20.06 | Photo Finish

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At the AV Club: Best Music Of The '00s