Celebrating 10 Years Online

THE ONION DISPATCH

DAILY
WEEKLY

More Newsletters

PERSONAL OF THE DAY


 

Drunk Will Show You, Everybody

Stenerud YOUNGSTOWN, OH—In response to the shit he knows everyone is saying about him, local resident Todd Stenerud, after a prolonged drinking session, announced his intention to show you and everyone else just minutes before closing time at a local bar Monday. ..

Read more

Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Aries: You will once again resort to drinking your problems away, abusing tap water in an attempt to forget your dehydration issues.

Infographic

Infographic-New-MySpace-C.jpg

New MySpace Security Measures

Statshot

Stat-Shot-How-Are.jpg

How Are We Spending Our Tax Refunds?

From Our Sponsors

Updates: Wednesday 4/19/06

American Voices

Rumsfeld Under Attack

 Young Woman
"As a daycare provider, I sympathize with Rumsfeld. 2,500 kids die on your watch and suddenly you're not qualified to do your job?"


More American Voices

4/19/06 11:44 AM

Onion Radio News

Area Islamic Militant All Talk

Listen
 

More radio news

4/19/06 12:52 PM

Onion Magazine

America's Co-hosts

4/21/06 7:15 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • HARTFORD, CT—A Powerball drawing Saturday proved that 45 million people can, in fact, be wrong.
  • OXFORD, OH—After 12 years, area woman Helen Bonners finally got what the Salt-N-Pepa song “Push It” was about.
  • SANTA FE, NM—Older residents were left red-faced after the discovery of a buried civilization, which archaeologists estimate to be 23 years old.
4/25/06 11:17 AM

Stock Watch

stockwatch_041906.jpg

This decades-old Midwestern distributor of office supplies and equipment saw their numbers skyrocket Thursday, when they mistakenly added the word "sex" to the company's name.

4/19/06 12:36 PM

This Day In History

04191981_134_Hinckley-Foste.jpg

April 19, 1981

Texas Instruments Continues Domination of Personal-Computing Field

4/19/06 12:15 PM
© Copyright 2008, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.
The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
Powered By Rackspace