Celebrating 10 Years Online

THE ONION DISPATCH

DAILY
WEEKLY

More Newsletters

PERSONAL OF THE DAY



Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Taurus: For the third straight evening, your wife and children will suffer the brunt of your frustrations when you bring your lack of work home with you.

Opinion

From Our Sponsors

Updates: Wednesday 4/26/06

American Voices

Harvard Author Caught Plagiarizing

Old Woman
"It's sad when a negative stereotype is reinforced by incidents like these, but I've always said: Indians are dirty plagiarizers."


More American Voices

4/26/06 8:48 AM

Onion Magazine

Crack Nearly Killed Me

4/28/06 7:36 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • BOSTON, MA—Resident Shelia Kessler silently calculated how long she would have to wait after their son¹s tragic murder before leaving her husband.
  • RICHMOND, IN—According to friends, area resident Sean Martin can really pound the drinks back, forward.
  • MESA, AZ—Dalia Lewis, 76, politely informed the staff of the local YMCA that she was going to start her own goddamned senior center.
5/02/06 5:53 AM

Stock Watch

Spanking Machines, Ltd.

This mechanical-discipline-apparatus manufacturer took a hit this week amid parental complaints that leaving corporal punishment to a machine takes away most of the enjoyment.

4/26/06 7:07 AM

This Day In History

04241995_157_Al-Gore-Caught.jpg

April 24, 1995

Al Gore Caught In Love Tryst With Endangered Tree Owl

4/26/06 6:40 AM
© Copyright 2008, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.
The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
Powered By Rackspace