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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Taurus: Friends and co-workers would have a harder time guessing your bank account's PIN number if you didn't always drone on about your adorable cat, "4732."

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Updates: Wednesday 5/03/06

American Voices

Midwest Mumps Epidemic

Young Man
"Finally. God has seen fit to punish Midwesterners for their depraved, decadent 'lifestyle.'"


More American Voices

5/03/06 12:37 PM

Onion Radio News

Primatologist Dethrones Alpha-Male Baboon

 

More radio news

5/03/06 12:35 PM

Onion Magazine

Outlive Your Kids

5/05/06 12:04 PM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • PORTLAND, ME—Non-local bank executive Travis Clovin was confused as to how the appearance of his home and family had drastically changed until he realized he had driven to the wrong Portland after leaving his office in Oregon.
  • BOWLING GREEN, KY—Despite their best efforts, local electronica band The Sweltering just couldn¹t get into the drug ecstasy.
  • MINNEAPOLIS, MN—A study conducted by University of Minnesota sophomore Kyle Bauer determined that it is roughly 10 times easier to talk to girls if you walk up to them with a clipboard and pretend you¹re conducting a study.
5/09/06 12:06 PM

Stock Watch

IndoorPortaPotty

Cost-conscious consumers have embraced this provider of no-plumbing bathroom facilities that offers the affordability of the outdoor version, but according to a company press release, "sacrifices none of the charm."

5/03/06 6:22 AM

This Day In History

05071937_053_Awesome.jpg

May 7, 1937

Nation Wowed By Tremendous Hindenburg Explosion

5/03/06 11:38 AM
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