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May 10, 2006 - May 16, 2006 | Issue 42•19

Mr. Special Foreign Man Won't Read Anything Not Written In His Own Language

CHICAGO—Greek-born resident Anatole Pialoglou was again engrossed in Greek-language reading material, this time a newspaper, throughout his morning commute Monday, incredulous passengers on Chicago's Blue Line reported. "There goes Mr. Special Foreign Man again with his sophisticated foreign newspaper," asset-management analy...

New 'Anti-Abortion Pill' Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | News

NEW YORK—UR-86 is intended only for situations in which the mind-set or politics of the mother threatens the life of the fetus. more»
Hormel Makes Compelling Case For Man's Last $2.39

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | News

DOVER, NH—The chili's versatility has propelled it past Tombstone and Top Ramen. more»
Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | News

BATON ROUGH, LA—Researchers say the reptiles will not tolerate a half nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it. more»
347 Locals Identify Slain Prostitute

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | News In Brief

VERONA, WI—The body of a woman found strangled behind Zurbachen's Truck Stop last week was positively identified as convicted prostitute... more»
Sherpa Can Already Tell You're Not Going To Make It

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | News In Brief

ANNAPURNA BASE CAMP, NEPAL— Lobsang Dorjee, the Nepalese Sherpa you hired for $45 a day to help you climb one of the 10 most dangerous... more»
Congressman Fucks Own Wife Out Of Political Necessity

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | News In Brief

WASHINGTON, DC—Seeking reelection in 2008, Rep. Lloyd Doggett (D-TX) will limit himself to sexual activity with his wife, Libby. "I love my... more»
High-Culture Wars Heat Up Over Controversial New Opera

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | News In Brief

NEW YORK—Proponents of family-themed high art fired another salvo in the high-culture wars Monday, saying the new opera Darwin:... more»
Roger Clemens' Family Offers Him One-Year, $10 Million Contract

issue 4219 | 05.11.06 | Sports News

HOUSTON—Representatives from the Clemens family met with the star pitcher over an informal dinner Tuesday evening to discuss the possibility... more»
CIA Nominee Violated Privacy

issue 4219 | 05.16.06 | American Voices

Michael Hayden, Bush's nominee to head the CIA, has recently been implicated in the NSA's controversial collection of private phone records. What... more»
U.S. Infant-Mortality High

issue 4219 | 05.15.06 | American Voices

In a survey of 33 industrialized nations, the United States was shown to have the second-worst infant-mortality rate. What do you think? more»
Drug Tested On Children

issue 4219 | 05.12.06 | American Voices

A recently uncovered study revealed that pharmaceutical giant Pfizer tested an unapproved meningitis drug on children in Nigeria without their... more»
Iran's President Offers Advice

issue 4219 | 05.11.06 | American Voices

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent President Bush an 18-page letter of suggestions for resolving current international issues. What do... more»
Kennedy Re-Enters Rehab

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | American Voices

After a 3:00 AM car accident in downtown Washington, DC, representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) returned to a rehab clinic in Minnesota for... more»
Fred Schneider Delivers Jarring Commencement Speech

issue 4219 | 05.16.06 | Radio
Palmolive Attacks Dawn For Coddling Grease

issue 4219 | 05.15.06 | Radio
Man Gives Up Trying To Get Coat Back From Former Girlfriend

issue 4219 | 05.14.06 | Radio
Shadow Government Attracts Shadow Protesters

issue 4219 | 05.13.06 | Radio
Former Kitten Actor Struggles With Catnip Addiction

issue 4219 | 05.12.06 | Radio
Sole Survivor Of Plane Crash Suffering From Survivor's Pride

issue 4219 | 05.11.06 | Radio
Conservationist Wastes His Breath

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | Radio
Local Band Attempts To Track Down Mysterious Visitor To Its Website

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | News In Photos
Kofi Annan Places 4,000-Pound Wreath On Mass Grave

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | News In Photos
I Can't Believe I'm Dying In Such A Clichéd Manner

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | Commentary

God. I'm so embarrassed, if I weren't already dying, I could just die. Look, it's one thing to have your life cut short on the verge... more»
I'm Doing My Inconsequential Part For The Environment

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | Commentary

As human beings continue to wreak havoc on the ecosystem, with seemingly no awareness of the long-term effects of our shortsighted actions,... more»
Your Horoscope

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | Horoscopes
May Sweeps

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | Infographic
Where Are We Proposing

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | Statshot
Uncomfortable Scandinavian Furniture You Can't Afford

issue 4219 | 05.12.06 | Sunday Magazine
May 13, 1932

issue 4219 | 05.10.06 | Onion In History

Cute Little Mouse Crushed to Death by Petting more»
John Daly: 'I Lost $1 Million In The Earl Woods Death Pool'

issue 4219 | 05.11.06 | Photo Finish

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