Celebrating 10 Years Online

THE ONION DISPATCH

DAILY
WEEKLY

More Newsletters

PERSONAL OF THE DAY


 

New 'Anti-Abortion Pill' Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive

Mother NEW YORK—Pro-life advocates celebrated approval of the new anti-abortion drug UR-86 by the Food and Drug Administration Tuesday, calling it a "safe and effective method" for terminating pregnant women while leaving their unborn children unharmed...

Read more

Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Taurus: You are about to find love in the most unlikely of places, or at least that's what the panting, neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory will call it.

Infographic

May Sweeps

May Sweeps

Statshot

Statshot-Where-Are.jpg

Where Are We Proposing

From Our Sponsors

Updates: Wednesday 5/10/06

American Voices

Kennedy Re-Enters Rehab

 Old Woman
"I blame his rehab clinic's cafeteria for making the most addictive waffles on the planet. I've relapsed six times hoping to get another taste."


More American Voices

5/10/06 11:31 AM

Onion Radio News

Conservationist Wastes His Breath

Listen
 

More radio news

5/10/06 7:40 AM

Onion Magazine

Uncomfortable Scandinavian Furniture You Can't Afford

5/12/06 5:18 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • ASTORIA, NY—An ongoing and exhaustive search by Astoria resident Dimitri Anistonopolous has yet to yield a snack cracker with enough surface area for him to write his name on in Cheez Whiz.
  • SCRANTON, PA—Aspiring television writer Michael Taft moves here hoping to develop a sitcom pilot. He is unable to, however, because he is continually bothered by an annoying neighbor, her three sons, and a crazy postal employee who is a Vietnam veteran.
  • FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After another close call, Lanie Middleton, a nurse at a local infectious-disease clinic, vowed to stop dating patients once and for all.
5/16/06 5:11 AM

Stock Watch

Venetian Cruise Lines

Investors and travelers alike appear to be wary of this cruise-ship operator, which promises to show tourists the magical narrow waterways of Venice, Italy from a 600-stateroom luxury ocean liner.

5/10/06 8:32 AM

This Day In History

Cute Little Mouse Crushed to Death by Petting

May 13, 1932

Cute Little Mouse Crushed to Death by Petting

5/10/06 7:31 AM
© Copyright 2008, Onion, Inc. All rights reserved.
The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.
Powered By Rackspace