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Oil Executives March On D.C.

Protesters WASHINGTON, DC—More than 1,000 majority shareholders and executive officers from the nation's largest oil companies gathered in the National Mall and marched to Capitol Hill Monday in a mass demonstration for petrochemical corporations' rights and, according to several of those who...

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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Taurus: You will be betrayed this week, time and time again, by your own ch'i.

Infographic

Gold At 26-Year High

Gold At 26-Year High

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Why Are We Putting Ourselves Through This?

Why Are We Putting Ourselves Through This?

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Updates: Wednesday 5/17/06

American Voices

Troops To Darfur

 Young Woman
"Seems like a clear-cut case of favoritism to me. Isn't Kofi Annan from some place in Africa, too?"


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5/17/06 5:13 AM

Onion Radio News

Bush's Approval Rating Remains High On eBay

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5/17/06 6:38 AM

Onion Magazine

I Never Really Learned To Read

5/19/06 8:26 AM

National News Highlights

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  • MACHIAS, ME—The population remains stable in this small fishing and logging town as the number of people who leave to join civilization continues to equal the number of people who arrive seeking to escape civilization.
  • SYRACUSE, NY—Resident James Wagner's long-standing policy of never cheating on either his taxes or his wife was foiled by a single visit to a sexy, unscrupulous accountant.
  • RICHLAND CENTER, WI—Jim McFarlane took three minutes to reflect on his 30-year wild ride as an accountant before getting back to finishing the end-of-quarter tax statement for Jensen's Office Supplies.
5/23/06 6:27 AM

Stock Watch

HTL.jpg

This company that specializes in hurlable objects for the busy executive took a hit after its "spiked line" was connected to the deaths of 18 personal shoppers.

5/17/06 7:45 AM

This Day In History

Sears, Roebuck Plead 'Not Guilty' To Pornography Charges

May 20, 1902

Sears, Roebuck Plead 'Not Guilty' To Pornography Charges

5/18/06 10:34 AM
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