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May 17, 2006 - May 23, 2006 | Issue 42•20

Estate Sale Proves Everything Man Worked For In Life Worth $5,235.78

MORGANTOWN, WV—The sum total of recently deceased Morgantown native Henry Keller's eight decades of hard work, honesty, frugality, and sacrifice sold for $5,235.78 at an estate sale this weekend, family members reported. "Dad was a good parent and a go...

Oil Executives March On D.C.

issue 4220 | 05.17.06 | News

The hundreds of executives, majority share-holders, and oil barons say they've been shut out too long. more»
Heroic Computer Dies To Save World From Master's Thesis

issue 4220 | 05.17.06 | News

Professors lauded the laptop for taking the literary atrocity with it into oblivion. more»
Ailing Americans Eagerly Await Summer Organ Harvest

issue 4220 | 05.17.06 | News

Experts are predicting a bumper crop as potential organ-donors enter car-accident season. more»
Novelist Thinks People Shrug 10 Times More Than They Actually Do

issue 4220 | 05.15.06 | News In Brief

BOSTON—According to his handful of readers, budding novelist Mosley Forstner, 23, thinks that people shrug with much greater frequency than... more»
Coworker Most Valuable To Office When He Fails To Show Up

issue 4220 | 05.15.06 | News In Brief

NEWARK, NJ—According to colleagues of Steven Murphy, the veteran designer best contributes to the creativity, efficiency, and morale of his... more»
Local Man's Fear Of Snakes Increases With Each Snakebite

issue 4220 | 05.15.06 | News In Brief

PONCA CITY, OK—Highway engineer Dan Guischard, 29, has an irrational phobia of snakebites that only worsens with each successive snakebite,... more»
Boy's Whale-Song Imitation Not Helping Anything

issue 4220 | 05.15.06 | News In Brief

BROOKLYN, NY—Whale songs voiced in a local diner by 8-year-old Sasha Tyler Holgerton Monday did not in any way, shape, or form help anything,... more»
Report: President Isiah Thomas Has No Exit Strategy For Knicks

issue 4220 | 05.18.06 | Sports News

NEW YORK—According to several sources in the coaching and management structures of the New York Knicks basketball team, Knicks President... more»
Italian Troops Out Of Iraq

issue 4220 | 05.23.06 | American Voices

Newly elected Italian Prime Minister Romano Prodi said that the invasion of Iraq was a "grave error" and will propose withdrawing Italian troops.... more»
NSA Spying On Journalists

issue 4220 | 05.22.06 | American Voices

According to ABC, a confidential source says the NSA has been tapping journalists' phones to root out confidential sources. What do you think? more»
Da Vinci Code Released

issue 4220 | 05.19.06 | American Voices

The release of The Da Vinci Code, the long-awaited film adaptation of the bestselling novel, is being met with controversy. What do you... more»

Libya To Help U.S.
Spread Democracy

issue 4220 | 05.18.06 | American Voices

Libya says it will work with the United States to spread democracy. What do you think? more»

Troops To Darfur

issue 4220 | 05.17.06 | American Voices

The United Nations is being called on to send peacekeeping forces to keep peace and prevent the genocide in Darfur. What do you think? more»

President Bush Invokes Executive Super Powers

issue 4220 | 05.23.06 | Radio

Tom Cruise Removes Baby Pictures From Tabloid Magazines With High-Level Mental Powers

issue 4220 | 05.22.06 | Radio

Horrifying Clamato Nursery Discovered In Mott's Dungeon

issue 4220 | 05.21.06 | Radio

Area Grasshopper Kind Of A Thorax Man Himself

issue 4220 | 05.20.06 | Radio

Muppeteer's Right Hand In Critical Condition Following Elmo Assassination Attempt

issue 4220 | 05.19.06 | Radio

FBI Agent Is Pretty Cool

issue 4220 | 05.18.06 | Radio

Bush's Approval Rating Remains High On eBay

issue 4220 | 05.17.06 | Radio

Clooney Scouting Locations For Darfur-Based Romantic Comedy

issue 4220 | 05.15.06 | News In Photos

Baby Doesn’t Realize It's A White Supremacist Yet

issue 4220 | 05.15.06 | News In Photos

Do Waiters Always Have To Swear So Much?

issue 4220 | 05.15.06 | Commentary

Is it me, or has the restaurant industry really started to slide in professionalism? I go out to a classy place, order a nice little steak,... more»

After 25 Years, I Finally Figured Out How To Impress High-School Girls

issue 4220 | 05.15.06 | Commentary

We all know how intimidating it can be to talk to high-school girls. I used to be too afraid and self-conscious to even make eye contact for... more»

Your Horoscope

issue 4220 | 05.15.06 | Horoscopes

Gold At 26-Year High

issue 4220 | 05.15.06 | Infographic

Why Are We Putting Ourselves Through This?

issue 4220 | 05.15.06 | Statshot

I Never Really Learned To Read

issue 4220 | 05.19.06 | Sunday Magazine

May 20, 1902

issue 4220 | 05.18.06 | Onion In History

Sears, Roebuck Plead 'Not Guilty' To Pornography Charges more»

MLB Unveils New Prostate-Cancer-Awareness Bats

issue 4220 | 05.18.06 | Photo Finish

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Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

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Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.

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