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Astrology

This Week’s Horoscopes

Gemini: Remember: Give a man a compliment and you'll sate him for a day; teach a man how to fish for compliments and you'll feed his ego for life.

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Updates: Wednesday 5/24/06

American Voices

Beloved's Controversial Award

Old Woman
"Beloved?! Over that, uh... one classic book? And what about that other one? Past 25 years, you said?"


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5/24/06 7:56 AM

Onion Radio News

Obese BIllionaire Opens World's Largest Gravy Park

 

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5/24/06 5:20 AM

Onion Magazine

Is It Time To Forget About Afghanistan?

5/26/06 5:02 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • SCRANTON, PA—Disappointed with concert-goers’ apparent unreadiness to rock, Sammy Haggar posed the question to them a second time.
  • CHICAGO, IL—Ancient Studies professor Elgin Strudwick begrudgingly accepted the term "crumbelievable" to describe Themistocles' naval strategy at the Battle of Salamis.
  • FRANKLIN, MO—Watching a televised poker championship, Ben Manning realized that a flush does beat a straight and that his friends have been ripping him off for years.
5/30/06 6:35 AM

Stock Watch

Startling Ringtones Inc.

This company had a boost after it finally acquired the rights to both Stravinsky’s "Coronation of Spring" and the sound of a band-saw slicing through bone.

5/24/06 5:51 AM
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