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This Week’s Horoscopes

Gemini: Nothing short of a propane blowtorch, a full-face respirator, an ample supply of drinking water, and a HAZMAT suit will adequately prepare you for next week's parent–teacher conference.

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Updates: Wednesday 6/14/06

American Voices

AIDS Turns 25

Black Man
"Now that we've put down the stereotype of the 'gay man's disease,' we can focus on making fun of diseases that are truly gay, like reflux."


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6/14/06 8:14 AM

Onion Radio News

Whale Christ Feeds Whale Masses With Single Krill

 

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6/14/06 12:18 PM

Onion Magazine

Skipping Breakfast With Nicole Richie

6/16/06 7:39 AM

National News Highlights

Roll over locations for news

  • DOVER, DE—A referendum will be included on the 2006 ballot to officially change the state’s motto to “We’ll Incorporate Ya!”
  • PLEASANT HILL, IA—Family farmer Chuck Johnson sat atop his tractor yesterday morning and wondered aloud how it was that he had been blessed with such a bounty of feed corn this year.
  • SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Students at the Scottsdale High School commencement ceremony were shocked by the graduation of Eric Herman, who everyone had thought was the principal but was in fact a fellow student with a glandular problem and a stunning command of sports metaphor.
6/20/06 12:01 PM

Stock Watch

KPI

Interest in the company waned after their sole product, a red-ink pen filled with blood from members of the rock band KISS, was purchased by the few thousand people who would buy such an item, and then stopped selling altogether.

6/14/06 12:36 PM

This Day In History

June 13, 1967

June 13, 1967

National Guard Mobilized For Integration of Negro Into Supreme Court

6/15/06 8:52 AM
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